John Saward

John Saward

  • Land of the Free, Home of the Cave

    Man caves still exist and civilization is worse off for it. They are the male ethos writ large: no ambitions beyond hiding in a place surrounded by miniscule triumphs and pedestrian hobbies, while females are present only in two dimensions on a...

  • Standing on Your Lawn Shouting His Own Name

    Kanye went from backpacker to Jumbotron rock star to messianic figure. He wanted to get Jay-Z’s attention, then to rise in the sky at Coachella, then to be Steve Jobs. This was his career trajectory. Kanye doesn’t want to take over the world. He wants...

  • Man Have Sex with Girl in Cave: Dissecting ‘Gigolos’

    It is conceivable that, one day, I will meet someone who has walked on another planet. The person will describe for me the cosmic insignificance of our individual lives and how simultaneously splendid and bleak the universe is. I will make a face and...

  • Ryan Lochte Is a Human Jägerbomb

    Ryan Lochte is just barely a person. He is a walking treatise on bro culture: driven only by his basest impulses, no restraint, going hard, going big, getting your back, shredded abs, hot dog/penis jokes, iPhone pictures of friends mid-vomit. He is a...

  • The Loveliest Chauvinist

    If the name Andrew Dice Clay has any significance to you, it is, inevitably, as the blockheaded, spectacularly leathered obscenity-dispenser who once looked like some combination of Mad Max and Liberace and who now looks like the guy who lives...

  • Infomerciless

    I am watching television at four in the morning and a dozen women named things like Danni and Lyndsay and Monica are laughing at my penis. Not laughing in the way they might if my penis had a ventriloquist act or looked like Abe Vigoda, but laughing...