2012 election
Mitt Romney Needs to Go on an Apology Tour
Weeks later, the failed candidate should finally account for his wrongdoings, instead of continuing to blame his loss on “gifts” Obama supposedly gave minorities. Isn’t it time for Romney to do something truly drastic and redemptive? I think so. The...
What Gifts Did Obama Give His America-Hating Voters?
"I love my president, but I have to be honest, if Romney had come with a delicious thigh that was fried in golden succulent batter, I'd be a Republican. What can I say? I love the bird."
It’s All Fun and Games Until Someone Gets Elected
None of the political memes mattered—but they were something to talk about, to share with your like-minded social media buddies, to spread through Tumblr and argue about on political blogs desperate for clicks. Following the gaffes and the spin and the...
How Do You Feel Now That the Campaign's Over?
If you’ve been following all that’s been written and said about the men whose names are next to the little bubbles, there is a lot of emotion and thought going into the process of marking up your ballot—doing your infinitesimal part to elect the leader...
Don’t Kill Yourself if Your Candidate Loses
According to some people, every election is the most important election of all time, every battle is the final battle, the United States of America is always coming to an end. Don't give into this madness.
This Election, Vote for Whatever You Want
In 2008, over 100,000 folks chose to exercise their franchise by picking “none of the above” and writing in votes for Donald Duck, Vermin Supreme, Jesus, and Bill Clinton, among others. Why not join them this time around? After all, being the only...
Why Can't I Vote?
Who knows what the outcome would be if felons were granted the right to vote? Truth is, we’d probably be too busy smoking rocks, gettin’ money, and fucking fat bitches to even know an election was scheduled. Criminals got better shit to do than waste...
Is It Important to Vote?
Sandy has already halted early voting in several states, and there’s some speculation that Election Day could be pushed back. This raises a question: How important is voting, anyway? Should you worry about voting at a time like this?
Just How Useless Are the Political Media?
The biases of typical campaign-trail reporters have nothing to do with liking Democrats or hating Republicans. They’re as indifferent to candidates and ideologies as rats are to what kind of cheese they’re eating. Above all, these people obsess over...
Dinesh D’Souza Is the Most Successful Documentarian in the World, and a Scumbag
D’Souza has imbued the populist right-wing critique of Obama with unmistakable xenophobic resentment, wild conjecture, and paranoia about his unorthodox personal history—i.e., his “foreignness.” D'Souza also probably cheated on his wife. Nice guy.
The Presidential Debate Moderators Are Pathetic Cowards
The people in charge of picking the questions didn't ask about drug legalization, abortion, same sex marriage, or domestic surveillance. It's enough to make you want to light up a joint with your same-sex partner and ignore the debates completely.
Voting for President Is Meaningless but Fun
If you live in Ohio or Florida or Virginia, maybe your vote will count. The rest of us can do all the thought experiments we want and study the issues assiduously until we’re hallucinating from lack of sleep and our vote isn’t going to be any more...