MASTURBATION

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  • The Lipstick Vibrator, Crossing the Line, and Big Deal

    I was ready to toss this vibrator under the abyss of my bed never to be seen again, until I realized the usefulness of such a covert vibe! Sometimes you have to masturbate in inappropriate places. I know boys secretly jerk it all the time at work, but...

  • Fucking Hysterical: A Timeline of Vintage Vibrators

    For centuries hysteria was a legitimate and common diagnosis for women who just needed to get laid, or, at the very least, treat themselves to a few mind-blowing orgasms. But since most women in the old-timey days didn't even know they could have...

  • Penetrating Jordan’s Illegal Porn Cinemas

    No marquee or sign advertises the Kawakib Cinema's name or its show times, but it is a refuge for men—many of them migrant laborers from outside Jordan—to watch grainy porn anytime from 8 AM to 8 PM any day of the week to "finish and relax."

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  • Abandoned Estonian Prisons Are a Little Slice of Hell

    Back in 1820, Russian Tzar Nicholas I built a massive prison on the Baltic coast just outside of Tallinn, Estonia, which was so good at making prisoners cower remorsefully before the might of the hegemony, that it remained in commission right up until...

  • How to Have An Orgasm with Your Vagina

    It has come to my attention that a lot of grown-ass women out there have yet to experience an orgasm, which makes me want to jump off a cliff on to a bed of sharpened dildos. Orgasms are important, and you need to be able to make yourself come. I know...

  • Why I Love Watching Ron Jeremy Fuck

    To witness Ron Jeremy have intercourse is to witness a grizzly bear eat a flamingo, or an orphan try to break into a vending machine. You don't masturbate to Ron Jeremy having sex, because using a Ron Jeremy scene to masturbate is like using a volcano...

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  • The Jerkoff Diaries, Part IV

    This whole project is about growing up. Putting away childish things. Yes, your penis is a childish thing, particularly when you use it as a play toy. And I’ve realized my body is not a toy anymore. It's not a temple exactly yet. Maybe it’s a crucible...

  • How to Quit Porn and Not Entirely Ruin Your Life

    There I was, lying in bed ass-naked at 1 AM on a Tuesday night with my eyes closed pulling on my limp dick like a bird trying to get a worm out of the frozen ground. This is what jerking off had become for me. I never should have given up porn.

  • Living Porn: When a Dude Wants You to Sit There and Do Nothing While He Jerks Himself Off

    He kept beating himself off, while I just lay there. A furrow set into his brow and his lip curled into a sinister grimace as beads of perspiration began rolling down his forehead.