personal history
Kids Have It Too Easy When It Comes to Porn
Kids should learn about kisses and the basic mechanics of physical affection before they find themselves watching a set of dead-eyed Eastern Europeans perform in “18 year-old Fuck party threesome squirter.”
Generation GTA
I grew up with Grand Theft Auto games. I hid them from my parents as activists denounced their violence and amorality, I drooled over the GTA V previews, and I couldn't be happier that the conservative critics have appeared to finally shut up.
I Dated an MCAT Addict for Two Very High Months
My first time taking MCAT I thought I'd pop a pill at 10 PM and go to bed early. But then I did another one around 2 AM, and another at 4 AM, and another at 10 AM. You know where this story is going.
Traveling to Mexico for a Tooth Implant and Tacos
Dental tourism is one of the most cheapskate aspects of neocolonialism. Every year, thousands of cheap Americans travel to Mexico to buy new teeth. I am one such cheap person.
My Greatest Regret Is Not Making Out with a 500-Pound Woman on a Shitty Talk Show
My biggest regret, the one that haunts me to this day, the one I think about more than any other, the one that sends me into cold sweats is, “What if I had agreed to appear on that sleazy talk show pretending I dated a 45-year-old 500-pound woman back...
Why I Love My Meds
As someone who goes into a month-long manic tailspin every few years, as well as more frequent batshit-crazy days-long episodes of depression every few months, I know I need my pills. I take medications every morning and night—they’re my breakfast and...
Go to Homeschool
Some of my "classmates" were completely divorced from popular culture and the society around them, and their playmates were so selectively chosen that they were rarely allowed to interact with other kids at all. It showed. They were socially...
Notes from a Hitter: How Football Battered My Brain
It wasn’t until months after I played my last football game that the ramifications of the multiple concussions I suffered began to surface. The day after a long night of senior-year boozing, I came to in the back of an ambulance, flailing about as a...
I Was a Suspected School Shooter
Rumors of me wanting to go berserk went far and wide, and even made front pages of the local newspapers. I had to go to therapy, and by the end of the ordeal I was having dreams about the Columbine shooters.
My Family’s War with Animal Activists
I belong to a doggy dynasty. My grandfather showed dogs at Westminster, my brother’s partner runs a puppy spa, and my mother owns Puppy Palace, one of the biggest private puppy stores. We’re the Kennedys of the pet industry—except instead of...