Hello. My name is Sara Benincasa, and I hope to become a comedian one day. I am probably the biggest (and best—J/K! That was Grampa Ronnie!) Republican you will ever meet in your whole entire life. I love the heck out of the Grand Old Party, which people call the "GOP" (pronounced "gee-oh-pee"). You could say I love it so much, I have ELEPHANTiasis—of the heart! LOLOL! Anyhoozle, let's talk about the funniest, smartest group of white persons this world has ever seen—the remaining candidates for the GOP nomination for President of These United States! Specifically, let's talk about the zingers they unleash on a regular basis.
The current crop of Republican candidates reminds me of the greatest boy band ever, 'NSYNC—they're all wildly witty, talented and handsome beyond belief, but only one will rise to Timberlake-ian levels of all-consuming multi-platform cultural dominance. And though I'm trying hard not to play favorites, the chosen one will almost certainly be former Mormon missionary to France Willard Mitt Romney. I mean, didja see him in that New Hampshire debate Saturday night? Oh, you were busy having dinner or sexual relations with another human? That must be fun, to have those options available to you! Well, then surely you saw the blessed second debate on Sunday morning, which the gods (Haha, J/K, there is only one, and He is Lord!) saw fit to give to a very grateful nation. It was so full of fun jokes.
It was extra-cute to see some great-natured ribbing among the candidates, all of whom are gorgeous and make me feel sticky in the general region of my undercarriage. Newt Gingrich, who is the best-looking person to ever have been named after an aquatic amphibian of the family Salamandridae, made a witty wisecrack about Mitt's "pious baloney." You would think Mitt, who is so slim and trim, would have said, "Haha, looks like you have in fact been eating some of that baloney, Newt! J/K I am full of jokes!" But Mitt did not say that, because his heart is as light as his hair dye is dark. Plus, it would've been mean, because Newt has actually lost a lot of weight since he was busy simultaneously excommunicating Bill Clinton and getting blown by his own assistant.
Other all-in-good-fun jabs included this one time Sunday morning when Rick Santorum was talking about how Romney ran for Ted Kennedy's Senate seat: "He ran from Ronald Reagan. And he said he was going to be to the left of Ted Kennedy on gay rights, on abortion, a whole host of other issues.” Hahahaha, words with friends!
It's like when best guy buddies wrestle in the front lawn of a party that is next door to the house where you live, and you look out your window and see everyone gathered around them, hooting and hollering, and one of them pins the other and then laughingly and kindly helps the defeated fellow to his feet, and they both shotgun beers and then crush the cans on their foreheads and high-five, and their friendship is so palpable you can almost feel it from 30 yards away through the windowpane in your Slanket 'n' sweatpants! This is what it feels like, to watch these Republicans debate, except the window you are looking through is a television screen, and also you are on the couch and not crying.
Sunday's debate means we're ever-closer to Tuesday's big ol' primary in the boringest state besides Delaware, New Hampshire, which is totally exciting but also sad-making. It's exciting because we're getting near to the day the presidential seat is rightfully restored to the RepubliCANs instead of the DemoCANTs (I changed "crats" to "CANTS" there for comedic effect, if you could not tell why the word looked a little different than what you expected). However, it's also disappointing, because the narrowing of the race to one GOP candidate means that we will no longer get to enjoy the quippin' and gigglin' that ensues every time these Funpublicans (again, changed a small portion of the word, for humor) debate each other. Saddy saddy two by four!
No time to cry about it, though, as I've got some phone calls to make all up in the 603, which if you didn't know –and you probably didn't!—is New Hampshire's sole area code. Because I love all these candidates equally, I'm not getting on my lemon yellow rotary phone to advocate for any one in particular. I just wanna make sure all the folks eligible to vote, i.e. undeclared voters and registered Republicans, show their Granite State pride by going to their local elementary school cafeteria and doing what feels Right (I capitalized "Right" to emphasize that the Republicans are the right-wing party)! Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go get ready for—J/K! I have nothing to get ready for.
Nothing at all.
See you next week!