Employees of the Month

BARBARA DABROWSKA Barbara has the longest hair of anyone we know. It spends most of its time tied up in herringbone and lace plaids and other funny things girls make when playing with their hair. But when it’s let loose… oh boy! It’s like a waterfall of Polish honey (we mean actual honey, not a pussy reference). As well as having hair, Barbara also used to work for Siemens, before she quit to become the managing editor of VICE Germany—see the 40-point fall in SI share price in the last quarter of 2007—and now she spends her days hanging out with neo-Nazis and biker gangs in the Black Forest. You know, basic German stuff. You can read all about her amazing adventures in this very magazine and watch for her flowing mane on VICE.com. See HANG UP YOUR BOOTS
  ASGER CARLSEN Asger cut his teeth as a crime-scene photographer in Copenhagen, which we did not think sounded very tough. “What’d you do, take pictures of the new graffiti on the Little Mermaid statue each weekend?” we asked him sarcastically while giving each other high-fives over our desks. “No,” he replied, “I took photos of car-crash victims, people who died in fires, and people run over by trains.” That shut us up. Back in July we ran an excerpt from Asger’s “Hester” series, where he digitally manipulated nude portraits of people into horrifying Hellraiser monsters made of, like, four legs and a chest, or no legs and way too many fingers and a butt. Asger shot this month’s cover in collaboration with KK Barrett. See the cover of the magazine (doye) and VIRGEN BLOOD GENEVA JACUZZI Here’s what Geneva sent us for her bio: “Geneva Jacuzzi: BIOMORPHIC ENTITY, adult retard. Possible anthropo-humanoid simulation. Self-reliant, self-regulating, aka Geneva Garvin. Possible late-model Rozbo, two legs, multiple-brained, one vagina, slow-fast dancer, believe me you’ll like her. Data point: self-fulfilling car service presumed culpable in escape from Dark Ages in 1999 and into the Non Dimensions. Status: emotional/illusory. Category: dressed up in a magazine. Analysis of self: product integrated into what is stored as fractured persona malfunction. Occupation: sending human eroto-joy-sadness-encoded HIGH-FIDELITY POP MUSIC to central Couchsofa database for repair of faulty creation myth.” See DARK AGES  BENJAMIN SHAPIRO A bouncer. A bartender. A touring drummer. A bonhomme. These are the roles Ben played on the stage of life before being shoved behind a desk in our smelly office and forced to sift through bins and bins of “buzz bands” as the global editor of VICE’s music-oriented sister site, Noisey.com. Two weeks ago he got arrested on an old bench warrant (pay your open-container tickets!) and taken to Brooklyn Central Booking, where he was forced to sleep in a puddle of rat piss and endure anti-Semitic taunts. When he was released, he still had the big, Jewish heart to give that band Iceage the benefit of the doubt, even though the rest of the music press keeps calling them Nazis. See TRIUMPH OF THE SHRILL WHO’S NEXT Man, what a fucking album. I thought car commercials had ruined “Bargain” for life, but when that fucker starts up with the soft guitar chords and the little keyboard part and you’re all, “Wait, I don’t remember this…” Then the drums come in and you’re like, “Oh yeah, just the greatest song of all fucking time.” And that’s only song TWO. You’ve got “Love Ain’t for Keeping,” “Won’t Get Fucking Fooled Again” (another car-commercial victim), “Behind Blue Eyes.” Shit. Remember in Freaks and Geeks when Bill is watching Garry Shandling and eating a PBJ to “This Song Is Over”? Oops, I just IMDb’d that and it’s actually “I’m One” from Quadrophenia. Nevertheless, great song, great record. Still a bummer about the kiddie porn. See my record player right fucking now.