Killing John

Rob and Lauren Beth Gash. She ran for Congress in 2000. Unfortunately, she lost.

I obviously have some problems. Maybe you could call me mentally ill and I'd say, OK, that's fine. I do live in a group home. I'm on four different psych meds. Depakoate is a mood stabilizer I take because I go up-and-down and up-and-down due to bipolar disorder. Then there's Risperdal, which is an anti-psychotic for hearing voices and stuff. I have some unwanted thoughts. I'm on a generic Prozac. In the winter of ‘91, I had a deep clinical depression. I couldn't get up about anything. The Gulf War was going on, the Nutria High School girls' basketball team had just lost a playoff game, I'd been laid off from a job—a lot of stuff was going on. I also take one milligram of Klonopin a night to help calm me down. If I didn't take these meds, I'd be in trouble. Risperdal helps me to not think in psychotic ways. I sometimes might have psychotic thoughts, like thinking about hurting somebody or having suicidal thoughts. I might wish somebody dead, or I might want to kill somebody. I hope you aren't upset. I'm not really going to kill somebody and I would never do such a thing. I'm a devout Christian, so if I did that I would not get into heaven. We own our own thoughts. Nobody can take those from us. A thought can't hurt anybody. But last night I was watching the Beatles on the Ed Sullivan Show from September 12, 1965, on a DVD, and I was looking at John Lennon and I just lost it. I was saying, "YOU MOTHER-BLANKER. YOU DID IT TO YOUR MOTHER JULIA!" (That was his mother's name.) I mean, where does that come from? So I looked up at him in heaven and I said, "John, please forgive me. I don't know where these thoughts come from." John is NOT a mother-blanker and I love him dearly and I love the Beatles dearly. So, I apologize to John. My brother, Clayton John Logan, was a great person, and he died of AIDS in October of 1992. I go to his grave because I used to say very mean things to him, like "faggot." I go to him now and I say, "Clay, I'm sorry about what I said and did." I hope that he hears me and forgives me. Now I can't stand people who are anti-gay. I'm being open with you. People who have mental illnesses can work, they are good people, and I don't think they should be demeaned. There's a big stigma still in society as far people with mental illnesses go. It's like, if I went to interview for a job at 104.3, WJMK, today, I would not want to openly talk about my mental illness, because then I would be afraid, like, "Oh, they're not going to hire me now." ROB LOGAN