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Presidential Debate Predictions: Uncle Sam Storm Trooper Boxer vs. Statue of Liberty

A guy dressed up like Uncle Sam and a guy dressed up like the Statue of Liberty engage in a debate about random ass garbage.
Trent Moorman
Κείμενο Trent Moorman

Outside a Southern California amusement park yesterday, an Uncle Sam Storm Trooper boxed and posed for pictures. Across the street, a Statue of Liberty man handed out flyers for an insurance company. They came together to debate some of the issues that will surely be flying around the stage at Lynn University for the third and final Presidential debate between President Barack Obama and Governor Mitt Romney. Each of them was paid $20.

VICE: Who do you think will win tonight’s debate?

Uncle Sam: Does it really matter? I don’t mean to sound negative. Whoever is President doesn’t really change anything for me.

Statue of Liberty: Arnold Schwarzenegger never should have become Governor.

What do you guys want to debate? Foreign policy? Energy, coal? The economy? Taxes? Same sex marriage?

Uncle Sam: Let’s don’t debate politics.

Statue of Liberty: Yeah, politics are boring. Let’s debate movies. Or music.

Which was better - Avatar 1, or Avatar 2?

Uncle Sam: The first one. I’m more a Court TV fan, than movies. I love Judge Judy.

Statue of Liberty: Avatar 2 was much better, where they go from the dream into the dream into the dream. The guy from Titanic is good, I always like him. It was a little slow. At least in Titanic, the ship sunk.

Are y’all intoxicated?

Uncle Sam: I’m stoned. No way I’d do this sober.

Statue of Liberty: I’m a little stoned too.

What’s your favorite Led Zeppelin song?

Uncle Sam: “Immigrant Song.” [Singing] I come from the land of ice and snow, where the grass is something, and a full moon beloooow.” Robert Plant is a God. Zeppelin III is great. And that song “Tangerine.”

Statue of Liberty: I don’t like the Led Zeppelin. They’re whack. Public Enemy is my thing. Chuck D is the G Money. Fear of a Black Planet, check that one out. Any day, all day. Trust me. Flav got clocks.

You all aren’t really debating. Can you debate something?

Uncle Sam: I’m not good at debating. I hate being mean and lying.

Statue of Liberty: That Romney dude is a whack ass motherfucker. He makes white people look bad.

Do you all think people of the same sex should have the right to marry?

Statue of Liberty: Here’s the thing. People who try to decide who can marry who must not have anything else better to do. Who cares what other people do with their lives? As long as they aren’t hurting anyone, and as long as they aren’t breaking any laws. You know? People who are all upset about people of the same sex getting married need to look in the mirror. If you’re against being gay that much, and you are all outspoken about it, chances are you’re gay. Think about it. Also, I’d rather have a kid raised by two people that love it, and who want to provide an education for the kid, than have the kid live in poverty, without anyone looking out for it.

Uncle Sam: I’m gay. Came out seven years ago. And I have three children, that I love very much. I was married to a woman, that I obviously shouldn’t have married. But I’m from a smaller town in Alabama, being gay wasn’t really an option for me there. So yeah, [laughs] I’m for same sex marriage.

What are your jobs?

Uncle Sam: I work for the amusement park. Dressing up in costumes. I do landscaping on the weekends.

Statue of Liberty: I clean an office building. And do this, dressing up like the Statue of Liberty for an insurance company.

Do you have insurance?

Statue of Liberty: No. And when it’s all said and done, I don’t think I make minimum wage. The guy who hired me is a mean man [laughs]. I actually make more money on the side posing for pictures than I do handing out flyers.

Will you all vote in the upcoming election?

Uncle Sam: Obama all the way. Mitt Romney is a bastard.

Statue of Liberty: If I vote, I’ll vote for Obama. I haven’t voted in the last few. I guess I should vote. I don’t want the Romney. Republicans hate black people.

Mr. Liberty, you have to hear one Led Zeppelin song. (I play him “When the Levee Breaks” on my phone.)

Statue of Liberty: Oh I like that. Those drums knock hard. I think I was getting the Led Zeppelin mixed up with what’s his name? Kid Rock. That’s the whack shit I was talking about. I don’t listen to too much of the rock. Kid Rock, he’s a whack ass motherfucker.