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The Down & Out Issue

Wake Up!

I'd like to hear silly stories, everyday stuff from regular people, but with a point.

Art by Laura Silverman

Do you know how many people out there are fucking children? I don’t mean, ?Do you know how many people are children? but with an expletive. Wait, I don’t mean people are using expletives to have sex with children. Wait, I guess they are. They go on the Internet and say shit like, ?geography is SO gay,? even though they’re like, 80 years old. So they’re not using expletives, unless you would consider ?gay? an expletive. I guess it is. It’s a swear. Any hoo … there are tons of people out there fornicating with minors (that’s easier to not misunderstand, no wonder judges use such heavy shit words). Also, besides child molesters, there are tons of people out there committing rape. Not necessarily Kobe Bryant stuff where it’s like, “Oh yeah, oh yeah, I like it like that, whoa, tee hee, easy there partner, Jesus Christ what is that thing a couch? whoa, stop, that’s way too much now, you’re tearing it, hey, guy, I’m serious, I said stop.” Not that. We’re talking about the “scary guy in an alleyway with a mask” type of shit. That kind of rape even happens too much. Do you know how often? TONS. Spanish people are informed of this all the time. In LA there are huge billboards on the highway that say, in Spanish, “Having sex with a minor is against the law.” Shit, they even put a thing at the bottom going, “A minor is anyone under the age of 18.” But what about the rest of the pedophiles and rapists driving down the highway reading signs? What about the English speaking ones (of which there are thousands and thousands)? Well, it may not be totally certified and ready to hit the highways yet but Laura Silverman (yes, that’s Sarah’s sister—IT’S CALLED A COINCIDENCE YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!) has come up with a great solution. She’s painted signs, English signs, that tell rapists and pedophiles that what they do is wrong. Soon, assuming the city accepts her sketches, no matter what language bad men read in they will know that it’s bad to hurt people with their dinks. Wait, I mean, their “dink,” each person’s individual dink. I’m not saying these guys each have tons of dinks. Oh forget it, you are fucking stupid.