1 CHO LIGHTER
Now that Margaret Cho’s new tour is getting critical acclaim it’s perfectly understandishable that her business managers are capitalizing on the merch tip. The Cho lighter is one of their more obscure pieces, and though it features a very unflattering picture of her, it has a cool red light and goes “dee nee nee dee nee nee nee” when you open it.
2 RIGA BALSAM
This is Latvia’s answer to Jägermeister and it is so harsh you have to take a breath and get psyched before each swig. The high is not unlike the druggy buzz you get from Absinthe but the hangover is so bad you will be convinced that when Eastern Europeans get to hell they’re going to be like, “big whup.”
Maybe one of the reasons natives go blind and/or die from drinking cleaning fluids has nothing to do with the bleach. Maybe, just maybe, it has something to do with the fact that THEY PUT FUCKING HEROIN IN IT! Kudos to Italy for having the balls to say it like it is.
4 BIBLE BAR
One of the reasons Lazuras and Joseph of Diamisus were so able to destroy the Goliaths of the second Issaih is the incredible diet they had back then. The seven foods of the deutronomy were a simple combination of things… imagine knowing all that stuff? That’s worse than sports.
See logia.net for more delicious god food.
5 COCAINE SPOON JEWELRY
We found this at a garage sale for $10 and the person selling it looked worse than Stevie Nick’s asshole. Every time we pull it out we see that face. It’s ended up being a good deterrent actually, like having a picture of a pig on the fridge.
6 MAMA ZUMA’S REVENGE
I picked these up off the stairs without thinking and started eating them the way you do when you’re drunk at a party and … höe leee shit are they hot. We are not talking Quebec’s Extreme chips or Miss Vickie’s Jalapeno flavor over here. We are talking sitting there for 12 minutes trying to breathe while your friends look at you and go “hey man are you OK?”
If it’s not too cold in your office and you’ve got some thick cords on you tend to get a slimy area where the base of the shaft meets the scrotum. You may think it’s gross but Chinese people don’t. THEY PUT IT IN ORANGE JUICE!
It’s like a CD enema. All you have to do is type all your Ice Cube, Chili Peppers and electronica compilations into the spun.com database and they let you exchange them for Television, Stereolab and Rainbow. When they send you the good CDs you put the bad CDs into a box and throw them in the mailbox - free.
9 GRAVIS INSOLES
The new Gravis footbeds (fancy insoles) are so rare we heard Japanese kids have been offering to kill themselves for a pair. They feature designs by urban luminaries such as Futura, Kostas and Stash but the naked lady ones by Ukrainian- born SSUR are the ones you have to get.
Check SSUR’s NYC gallery “From Us Crazy Kids” or his site ssurempirestate.com for more.
This month’s winner: