Club Animal Kingdom

Ever wondered what the characters you always see in the club would look like if they were morphed into their semi-humanoid animal relative? Wonder no more! We’ve compiled a list of every wild jungle creature inhabiting clubs everywhere, so you know how to tame them.

The Peacock – Like the bird of the same name, this guy is a flashy dresser, moderately handsome and seriously tries to look fly. Sometimes their outfits can include a lot of red velvet and flashy purples. We’ve yet to verify if they actually get women.

Cougars – We all know what these creatures are. No explanation necessary. Only to say, you need to try and hangout with one such lady at least once.

Hyenas – Just as the Hyena of the Sahara stalks herds of gazelle, so to do the club Hyenas stalk unsuspecting ladies. Ever been at a club with your girlfriend and her friends, and had a bunch of greasy dudes lurking behind, waiting for that perfect amount of space to cut into their dance circle? That’s the hyena on the hunt.

Tortoise – When the rest of the baby boomers are at home watching crime shows there’s that one mysterious old guy who’s out at the club he’s been going to for twenty years, making you wonder what the hell he’s doing there. This guy is also having the best time out of everyone so respect him, this could be you sooner than you think.

She-Wolves- These are those semi-pretty girls who hang out in tightly knit packs, synchronizing their mannerisms to make their circle impenetrable, led by one super-hot alpha girl. They have some element of flair that distinguishes them from everyone else.  You may find yourself a mate in one of their packs. But beware they will eat you alive.

Squirrel Monkeys – This is that annoying drunk person who always wants to be behind the DJ booth and continuously climbs the thing like an untrained primate.

The Bird of Paradise –Everybody waits for this guy to show up, not only because he’s well connected and eager to please but also because he’s the life of the party. In the wild, the bird of paradise is known for his elaborate mating dances, but his human counterpart is famous for awe-inspiring feats like winning chugging competitions and pulling out an unbeatable moonwalk, which always attracts the attention of the ladies.

Dolphins – Certain mammals naturally seem to love putting on a show, like dolphins and chicks that make out with each other or dance super seductively.

The Fox – The beautiful and elusive fox is like the girl who every guy is into. Most guys convince themselves they don’t have a chance in hell of catching her and tend to opt for her less pretty friend, who is like an 8 in comparison. Come to think of it, you should always go for the fox, because she is actually the least hit-on girl at the bar.

The Giraffe – This is the tall girl that every guy avoids but shouldn’t. She can not only take you home, be a big spoon and defend your honor, she can also reach all the really high jars on your shelf. Not to mention, these girls are often super-hot and nobody is noticing. By comparison, the male form of the Giraffe cleans up, so avoid hanging with him because he’ll cramp your style and snatch up all the tens.

The Gorilla – He’s that overly tanned muscle head, you’ll notice his gigantic arms fist pumping to some house music or whatever horrible Euro track he requested. You’ll most likely find this behemoth shirtless and in his natural habitat: on the dance floor sweating uncontrollably. Just try not to brush up against him.

Barnacles-The barnacle is so low on the food chain that no-one knows what they are, what they eat, or what purpose they serve in the world except that they stick to things and sometimes cut your feet open. They’re that vacuum parasite friend that’s always stuck to your side, partly because this person doesn’t have any game of their own.

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