Ready For Anything

So it’s the end of the world and in the rush of fleeing your bachelor pad that was engulfed in flames, you didn’t have much time to grab many supplies. Now you’ve got a trunk full of random stuff you think might be useful for survival, but how do you make sense of it all? Here’s a how-to guide on how to properly maximize the usefulness of your bathroom accessories if the Apocalypse goes down, organized by each potential doomsday scenario.

The Pandemic

While everyone is withering away from some incurable airborne virus, you can only hide in your lush apartment for so long until food runs out. Now you’re stuck with two options: stay in and call it quits, or go foraging for some lifesaving snacks. Because of this pathogen you’ll need to cover up your nose and mouth with a bandana, but give it a healthy dose of spray and hopefully the sweet smell will help you get over the stench of an open grave en route to the nearest corner store for pizza-flavoured combos. While you’re at it, hit the pharmacy to fill your prescription for boner pills; you’ll need them to kick-start the repopulation of the Earth with that special last lady alive.

Zombies Attack!

From now on, your new life will probably be on the road as the master connoisseur of canned goods. But living your life foraging through remote grocery store expired bins is peaches and beans when compared to the other possibility, i.e. being a zombie and eating your mom and best friend. This scenario should be at the bottom of your apocalyptic wish list. Little known fact: zombies have the nose of a dog. One quick spritz of body spray might be better used now on the walking dead, who will appreciate you making them smell great and not like rotting flesh, thus thwarting their attempts to eat you.

The Asteroid

This one is a little fooling because the movies make it somewhat survivable, but I think the fear of being stoned to death is pretty horrifying. In that situation you should loot a fresh suit. Put that baby on and look dapper as the earth’s core is being smashed open by a Texas sized meteorite.

Rise of the machines

First reason why it will never happen: no software actually works on my tablet. Proof alone that robots can't work together! They’re just not compatible! That said, we would probably be caught in the middle of some tech war between a slick killing machine and a boring- looking computer that’s equally good, but everyone underestimated its prowess. In this situation, hair gel will come very handy as your ribs are being crushed by the i2000killpod's claw. Lube up, and slip away to eat another rat burger. Btw, rat burger will be a delicacy in these futuristic times.

December 21st, 2012

This will probably be all of the above wrapped in a heat blanket and thrown into a tub. Be aware of your surroundings because whatever is coming down the pipe… jeeze, I hope you’re ready. This apocalyptic event might best be spent trying to get to second base at the bar and if that doesn’t work out, then wish for the end and hope you rise from the ashes as some saviour. What girl could resist? Before all of that you’re going to need to make sure you work out to look like an action hero. So yeah, pack some dumbbells before you commit to living in a bomb shelter.

For more chaos visit Axe Canada's Facebook page!