Tidbits

THIRD-WORLD GANG BISCUITS FOR KIDS

These wheat biscuits were made in Mumbai. Guess which coast of India Mumbai is on. That’s right. West Si-i-i-i-y-eeeed represent!

Thanks to Nana, Kyoto, Japan

OLDEN TITS

Boobies used to have this weird, turgid rocket shape that made them look like exotic fruits, then Gloria Steinem burned all the wire bras and all the tits went flat. Now they’re swinging the boulder-holder pendulum the other way with massive fake balloons that look like they’re going to pop. Can we please go back to the 60s tit, please?

COCAINE VASE

Remember that story a few years ago where two presumably wasted British burglars saw an urn marked “Charlie” in an old lady’s house and snorted its contents? It was her dog, a Newfoundland named Charlie. When we heard that we were like, “Who the fuck keeps a huge vase full of cocaine in their house anyway?” Lots of people, apparently.

Thanks to Sara Gessin, Los Angeles, CA, but why the fuck did you not buy it? Are you insane?

PARENT TRAPS

Dear teens,

Your parents have noticed it’s near impossible to make you clean your teeth and do the dishes, so they’ve tried to make it cool by saying, “Hey man, why don’t you go Oxy-blast some zits off those fucking plates?” or “Dude, if you’re jonesing for a smoke why don’t you go brush one on?” Do not get duped. It’s a trick.

Thanks for the warning Victoria, Philadelphia, PA, and Matt, Glens Falls, NY

CEREAL MILK JUICE

You know when you’re done with your Fruity Pebbles and you drink the bottom of the bowl and you go, “They should make this into a drink”? Well, you forgot about it immediately after because it’s a fucking retarded idea. Others were not so lucky.

ALIEN MASK

Whenever the news talks to illegal aliens about Bush’s amnesty plan they hide the guy’s face with some kind of overlit backdrop. If they used this instead I would get a CNN tattoo.

TWINKIES

Middle-aged queers refer to young hotties as twinkies (or twinks, for short) because they’re not good for you but they’re full of cream and they look cute. As said old gays get past troll age, the only time you hear about them getting a twinkie up their ass is when they’re in the ER having this guy dislodged after “accidentally sitting on it in the shower” (yeah right, you guys).

NAÏVE HIPPIE MAGAZINES

Are hippies blind? Do they know what this looks like, or are they so used to ejaculating inside their free-loving and hirsute fuck-buddies they forgot the rest of us still enjoy the odd pearl goalie mask? Thank god they stopped doing kids’ shows. Who knows what kind of inadvertent porn they’d end up subjecting our children to?

Thanks to Joey, Berkeley, CA

THIS MONTH’S WINNER: THIRD-WORLD GANG BISCUITS FOR KIDS

To win your free subscription to Vice, send tidbits to: North America:VICE Magazine, 97 North 10th Street, Suite 202, Brooklyn, NY, USA 11211. UK: VICE Magazine, 77 Leonard street, london, ec2a 4qs. mail: info@viceuk.com Australia: VICE Australia, Mailbox 61, 278 CHURCH ST, Richmond, Victoria 3121 Scandinavia: VICE Magazine, ST. Eriksgatan 48 A, 112 34 Stockholm, Sweden. Email: info@viceland.se