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This less-than-ravishing, diminutive, working-class white woman is fucking legendary in Chicago. She writes and performs incredibly naïve rock n’ roll songs that stay in your head for days. They’re so good Yo La Tengo had to cover them and Marilyn Manson couldn’t resist having her play his birthday party. Her collection of five homemade videos starts out with Jan sheepishly singing a Runaways-esque “I Don’t Want to Lose You Tonight” and progresses into her unabashedly kicking out “Get Down Goblins” like she invented the monster mash.
from Skyscraper
Once poor and lovely, now rich and cow-like, Anna Nicole Smith is obviously a big fan of prescription drugs. Holy shit. The editors of this movie had such a hard time getting any half-decent footage from her cavalcade of unintelligible stonededness that they decided to splice the worst of it together into one of the best things you’ve ever seen. Not only does she act like someone just startled her out of a deep sleep, but she cannot remember any lines whatsoever. Even three-word sentences spoken directly into her ear come out of her mouth sounding like a catatonic fish.
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A brain-damaged hippie has decided to devote all his time and money into pitching a surreal cartoon/live-action musical/ Hollywood blockbuster about the powers of peace and love. He has a convoluted plot that involves love babies and sperm and magical lovemaking and the KKK and Vietnam and death and birth and it’s all done in this heavily marketable style that is so fucking insane you will never want to go near acid ever again.HIGHLIGHT: He goes off on a tangent about a new chain of organic vegetarian restaurants called Peace and Love that will stem from the success of the movie and will compete with McDonald’s.
Watch it twice. The first time you can watch Orson drunkenly slur all his lines with the cadence of a Pakistani Beat poet and the second time you can watch the actress on the left halfheartedly try not to laugh. Dude is annihilated, I’m telling you. You have never been that drunk in your life. The most shocking thing about this commercial is not how drunk he is but how hopelessly determined the director is to get a half decent take.HIGHLIGHT: Right after they click the “take 12” clicker thing, Orson’s mouth jumps in with an enthusiasm his brain cannot begin to catch up with. What results is a sentence that begins with a roaring “raaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhuuuweee here at Paul Masson are committed to bringing you…”
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You know the Whites, right? A very old white woman and her young black husband and their crazy brains. Using a tiny guitar, the two lovebirds sing about oral sex, each other’s butts, and the problems with having guests in the house.HIGHLIGHT: Elton White singing “my three-feet red-hot tongue is sweet as sugar.”
This unique self-defense video rarely shows much about self-defense. Instead we see Weeks practice punches and kicks and kung fu himself around the room. Of course, you can never meet this person one-on-one and he does not actually teach the course to people. “My bones are too brittle for that.” All he wants you to know is that he could kick your ass in a heartbeat and this is not to be disputed.HIGHLIGHT: As he yammers on about how you can show this tape to any martial arts expert for verification, he becomes distracted by a plastic lightsaber he’s been swinging back and forth and he falls silent. He fucking distracted himself.
This is the winner. It was parodied in the Mr. Show movie Run Ronnie Run and Beck couldn’t resist putting it in a recent video. This way-too-short informative clip (you want it to go on for days) features a typical Marin County self-help group talking about actualizing your dreams. The story goes that, halfway into filming, the leader of this bizarre yuppie cult decided “everything has to be destroyed – RIGHT NOW!” The filmmakers managed to salvage this 15 minutes before the rest was lost forever.
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Whether you work in a photo-developing place or edit America’s Funniest Home Videos, there is always a tiny version of you in a tight red leotard and horns going, “Make a copy for yourself. This shit is too good to pass up!” These people did it, and you have no idea the amount of unfunny idiots out there that want to become comedians.
Interesting note: Everyone who watches this tape talks about feeling sick afterwards and wanting to take a shower.HIGHLIGHT: A bourgeois housewife finishes a pathetic Phyllis Diller imitation and then just stands there staring at the camera. “Turn it off, lady,” you say to yourself, but no. She just stares at the camera for another two minutes.
This guy is kind of like that Canadian daredevil guy that fell down a 50-foot ladder into his own pool. He is daring and brave and really smart and has decided he can jump from one gigantic pine tree to another even though they are at least 100 feet apart.HIGHLIGHT: After he plummets to the ground and breaks his leg he insists his brother go get him a glass of cold water because he feels “nauseated.”
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