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Fuck Everybody

Good musicians, boring people.
Κείμενο Tierney Williams

Photo by Jake Ringstrom

QUELLE surprise! Even though The Bronx just got signed to Def Jam for more money than you’ll ever have in your life, they’re neither an over-hyped rapper nor a bound-for-disaster Rick Rubin ego project (remember Palo Alto?). Instead, these four plump young boys are a new hardcore band who play heavy Cali punk rock with drunken shout along choruses and intense Flag / Jehu / Suicidal first album bits. Jaded old punks and young kids will love them the same because they make hardcore party tunes minus the Warped tour gayness that’s plagued punk since 1994. Perfecto! Oh hang on. There IS something slightly shitty about them. The guitarist Joby does all the phone interviews and he’s quite boring. Sorry The Bronx, but what follows is the best of 30 minutes worth of embarrassment and teeth-pulling and promising not to print the only slightly interesting thing he said, which wasn’t even that great anyway. VICE: Question 15: So you’re all rich now, right? Lyor Cohen’s pockets are deep, right? Joby: No. Everybody in the band is completely broke. If you’re in a band you’re always fucking broke. It sucks. Question 45: Why don’t you get a stylist and wear make-up like all the other gay L.A. bands? No. Appearance is not something to this band. When I was a kid I was fat and ugly and had no fashion. Nothing’s changed. That shit’s stupid. Question 154: So you’re into having back-to-basics punk rock all ages shows and all that hardcore jazz? No fucking way. I hate kids. They’re stupid and ignorant. We have a button that says ‘All Ages Can Eat My Fuck’. That’s nice. It was really great to talk to you Yes. Bye. TIERNEY WILLIAMS