I Talked to Tesco Vee About Music, Blowjobs, and Mitt Romney

As the cofounder of Bain Capital, Michigan native Mitt Romney is credited with bankrupting and shutting down steel plants in the Midwest, resulting in heavy job loss. As the cofounder of Touch and Go, Michigan native Tesco Vee is credited with creating one of the most vital fanzines in the history of underground music, which then evolved into a prolific record label, resulting in heavy records by likes of Negative Approach, the Effigies, Scratch Acid, Big Black, and later a bunch of cool dudes from Brooklyn you probably like. Fresh off from pumping up the punk economy with his own Tesco Fest in Detroit, we spoke to the Meatmen and Hate Police founder as he gears up to take the Meatmen back east for the 2000 Tons of TNT Fest in Connecticut.

VICE: Mass shootings are rampant, naked people on bath salts are gnawing faces, punk bands and chess players are being thrown in prison, and water polo is an Olympic sport. Do you think 2012 is really the end?
Tesco Vee:Chaos and Anarchy! Isn’t that what us old’ punk rock wads wanted all along? Fuck me with a frozen cucumber I don’t have a clue why. Sunspots? The recent invention of “legitimate rape” by the GOP? I personally think all the world’s negative karma of late is emanating from Kim Kardashian’s vulva. I saw that in an acid vision last week so it must be true.

You personally could have saved taxpayers and Bill Clinton a hell of a lot of time and money if Congress had bothered listening to “Blow Jobs Ain’t Cheating.” What other international problems do you feel you can solve simply with your words?
The problem of humanity having lost their goddamn sense of humor and this whole PC fascism running roughshod over our very verbal existence. The inability to say anything lest we offend some hypersensitive coterie of closeted cretins. I go for the throat with my lyrics and attempt to wedge some levity in there. You either get me or you don’t. Get me, and you laugh. Take me at face value, and miss the tongue planted firmly in cheek and be damned! My new album Lansing Liberace will be my first in 17 years! I’m pouring my lyrical heart and soul into this one. It’s a target-rich environment out there and I ain’t done yet. For a man of my age to be able to hop around on stage is a wondrously fulfilling thing, and I thank Satan every day for the opportunity!

Does Mitt Romney threaten your status as Michigan’s favorite son?
Negatory good buddy! That vacuous Howdy Doody neocon puppet is the personification of what is wrong with Washington. Fact that he’s from The Mitten is not lost on me. After November he’ll be a forgotten footnote in history, and I will still be the Dutch Hercules!

The Meatmen show in 1995 at Local 186 in Boston has become a thing of legend. What happened?
Holy fucknuts! Long story short: FSU (Friends Stand United) ran security at the club, but they were fired the night before the show. They came back the next night, which just happened to be when we were playing. A fight broke out and we were attacked on stage. They were trying to drag my bass player into the alley. The whole bar was fighting. It looked like one of those scenes from a Wild West saloon… barstools chucked into the liquor bottles, guys running down the bar and diving onto clusters of fighting dudes. It was very surreal. We ended up with $600 of hospital bills and had to threaten the club with a lawsuit to pay them.

You are playing TNT Festival in CT with a ton of bands. We all know these things are all for the kids, but fuck that, festivals last a long fucking time. What should fans be bringing the Meatmen?
Old toys! I’m a big collector. Your mom’s 48DD bra filled with salt ’n’ vinegar chips. Your pop’s nudie mag collection. A sack of high-grade chronic. A bottle of Bombay Saphire. And your sense of humor, goddammit!

Has there ever been a moment in time where you have asked yourself, “What the fuck am I eating right now?” 
Many times. It may have been a fan’s grandmother’s stank box, some Mexican concoction in El Paso, some peyote-button pasta in Yuma, or various and sundry prescription drugs.

What is Tesco Vee doing next? 
Recording a boss new album! Riding hot rails to Hades on a daily basis. Hating organized religion with every fiber of my being. Touring Europe in the fall. Blasting 150 MPH on my GSXR 1100. Buying old toys and anything else cool I can get my hands on. I love to trade! Hit me up weenbags!!

Follow Tesco on Twitter @tescovee666 and Instagram Instagram.com/tescovee

@JohnLiam