Vice Mail

To VICE,

I never write letters or emails to companies ever, but you really need to hear this. Your current issue is the biggest piece of trash I have ever read. At first I thought maybe this issue was being really deadpan with its delivery of satirical humor. I quickly realized that the issue was not a piss take but actually 100 pages of…that's right, nothing.

Why has the DOs and DON'Ts section been written by a 13-year-old? It smacks of trying too hard to be mean and cool. I was embarrassed for the writer. Has Gavin McInnes read these? They are not witty or cynical or sarcastic. I've just bought the DOs and DON'Ts book and I'm mortified at the difference between the two. What the fuck was the "Wazzup" section? When did Vice merge with Teen Smash Hits magazine? A cool barometer? Quotes from celebrities? Am I missing some joke here? I'm all for satire but this was too much. It wasn't clever and it wasn't funny. Why is Pharrell slammed by Vice for selling out in past issues and put on a pedestal for designing a new sneaker in this one? This gets me to another point. Why is this issue a wall-to-wall celebrity festival? I thought Vice hated the manufactured celebrity and celebrated the common-man celebrity? Why is there a fashion tips section? Vice gives kudos to street. Celebrities are not street. I understand that this issue is supposed to be some piss take but I'm afraid it failed and just pissed off your readers. Where is the sarcasm? Where is the wit? Where is the black humor? Where is the street journalism? This didn't read like an edgy Gen X publication. This was so far from Alvi, McInnes and Smith's work it shouldn't be allowed to bear the name Vice. Have you read the Vice Guide to Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll? Those people are writers. Don't even try to pass off this criticism with, "Oh, we pissed off our readers. That was totally the point. We're so fucking street we actually wrote this piece of shit on purpose." If this is "We don't give a fuck, that's why we're cool‚" it didn't work. Regards,
B.
via email Dear Vice, I'm a very open minded person. I laugh at funny jokes and enjoy amusing articles in magazines. But when I was flipping through Vice and started reading "Vice Don'ts," I was appalled at the childish, tasteless stabs at less fortunate people. It really pisses me off that someone would publish crap like this, thinking that their readers would find it funny. I passed around Vice and I didn't find one person who found it remotely funny. Not everyone is as fortunate as you, Jesse Pearson, and you should be ashamed that you find this humorous. Most homeless people can't help being where they are and they don't need you putting their picture in magazines and making these hurtful comments about them so you can get a quick laugh. Maybe next time, instead of watching and taking pictures of these easy targets you might help them out since they're less fortunate than you. Queen Sid
via email Hey.

What on earth happened to the design of Vice?
I picked up the new issue and at first I thought it was great that there seemed to be some more effort into giving each section life and making the magazine visually pleasing rather than having a static grid from cover to cover, but as I continued to flip I felt like I was reading Tiger Beat. Does that magazine still exist? Now I'm not sure if this is a one-off because it looks as though the anniversary issue is riding some kind of tabloid tip, but if you plan on rocking this layout for years to come I think you might want to reconsider. The thing is an absolute mess! It looks like you got some 17-year old who is taking a QuarkXPress class in high school to take over. And what is up with ripping off the actual layout of Mass Appeal for Pharrell's shoe story? Do they know you did this? Hats off for biting one of the best-designed magazines in North America though. You could learn a thing or eight from them. I feel bad ripping you apart, but when it comes to bad design I can't help but take it personally. I mean, you're Vice and you have so much potential to make the hottest-looking magazine out there, but you took a massive leap backwards. At least the old design was easier on the eyes. With all the famous friends you cats have, surely you could have had your pick of the design litter, right? If you need help, please call me. Noel Dix, Art Director, Exclaim! Magazine
Toronto, ON Dear FUCKING idiots,

Let's just have a look at the first few pages of our 10th Anniversary Issue:

- It says "The Worst Piece of Shit Ever" on the cover
- Michael Jackson and Dave Navarro (worst two people on earth) are on the cover and the picture is from a concert that happened years ago.
- Several articles on the cover do not exist: Bjork on p. 260, The Kids Are All Right p. 197.
- The contributors page lists people that aren't in the magazine, people who, in fact, do not even exist.
- The letters page refers to articles from an issue that never happened. A woman is labelled a "cunt" for not appreciating Britney's husband's outfits.
- The opening of the magazine refers to "fresh kicks" that are half Vans and half Chuck Taylors (an impossibility).
- The Scarface quotes make no sense.
- The bear survival tips include no tips.
- The cool barometer says it's "cool to win a billion dollars" but it is "not cool to be raped"… And we're barely past the letters page! Do you all have a large brown piece of shit for a brain? Are you yet another impulse-only imbecile who simply hears about something before going off on a tirade against it? You people are the worst of both worlds. You are as ridiculous as those knee-jerk liberals who hate conservatives even though their "research" never goes beyond Crossfire. And you are as infuriatingly idiotic as those born-again Christians who want to burn books they've never read. You represent everything that is wrong with the world. For more on this amazing piece of satire, see the commentary section in the archives of viceland.com AND THEN THERE'S THIS… To the Editor,

I am writing to voice my total and utter disgust at the Beyoncé caption that was printed on page 72, and the way in which you handled the complaint from my colleague Andrew. In your opinion the article was meant as a joke, and you drew some weak comparisons with other jokes in the magazine. It is the opinion of many students (and staff) at our university (both black and white) that the article was blatantly racist. I can't believe you have the audacity to publish such words in this day and age. I believe that your inability to effectively handle the complaint from my colleague and the insensitive manner in which you dealt with the complaint leaves us to assume that you support the racist views expressed in that caption. Your response avoided the issues which were drawn to your attention, and was uncalled for as well as childish. The Union will no longer be distributing the magazine in our university, and we will be making other universities and their unions aware of the caption on page 72 along with our new stance on your publications. Darren Ashley
VP Societies & Student Development
London South Bank University Students' Union We made this one separate because it seemed to get the most response. For the record, it's Beyoncé, not us, stitching white hair into her afro. Someone at viceland.com explained the joke perfectly using a Michael Jackson diss: "The problem with negroes is those hideous wide noses and that black-as-coal skin. How are you supposed to see them at night? They're worse than the Pakis. Luckily Jacko had the foresight to recognize this problem and has corrected it with some bleaching and a fantastic nose job. Way to go, Peter Pan!" Send correspondence to: letters@viceland.com (include city and state/province) or mail to: Vice Magazine, 97 North 10th Street, Suite 202, Brooklyn, NY 11211. Letters are edited for length.

We've been receiving some stellar examples of Drunk Jenga from readers since the DO that blew the lid off this game a few issues back. Keep them coming, please. These are great, but can't anyone go for the gold and jizz on a guy?

Dear

Vice

,

Tortilla chips, powdered sugar, knife, Passion of the Christ booklet, and finally, an entire handful of pepper into his nose. He sneezed a lot but never woke up.

Paige Dickinson

via email

Vice

,

Poor guy…

Ben Davis

San Francisco, CA

Dear

Vice

,

Me and my girlfriend had our flight delayed at the airport in Boston this week and we ended up getting PLASTERED in the bar there. She passed out and I did a little travel version of Drunk Jenga. Check it out.

KEV JENSEN

via email

Vice

,

This was from a party a few years ago in Boston. This might be cheating since she is narcoleptic.

Kyle Ridolfo

via email