You know about the 48 Laws Of Power, right? If you don’t, you should; as the name implies, they’re rules (‘laws’) to gaining power (‘power’) that say totally terrible things like “crush your enemy totally” (#15) and “court attention at all cost” (#6). They’re what business dicks and all the people you hate use to be more successful than you. The laws are all very evil, which is exactly why you need to know them. You’ve gotta be aware that your new intern is trying to play you and that your best friend wants your girl. Kill or be killed, etc.Anyway, since everyone knows about the 48 Laws (you can read them all here), they’re effectively ineffective, because two people using them just cancel each other out. What you need to get ahead at this point is more power moves. Luckily, I’ve spent some time at the top, and thus know more than my share. Here, then, are some of my favorites:Arbitrary Eating Habits
Picking a restaurant is an arduous task, especially in a place like NYC, where there are dozens of options for every type of food. Consequently, no one will be annoyed when you eliminate 96% of eating options for no good reason. Instead, people will consider you a maverick— a person of unique taste who knows exactly what they want out of dinner, and thus life. Personally, I only eat at restaurants that are below street level (and not that garden-level shit either), above the second floor, or at hotels.Handshake Variations
You only get one chance to make a first impression! Luckily, first impressions frequently involve handshakes, and handshakes are a great way to establish dominance. All you have to do in this situation is make the other person feel like whatever handshake he tried was weird, and that yours is the normative hand-shaking style. If it’s a guy who looks like he’s concerned with not being tough enough, go slightly limp. He’ll overcompensate and shake too hard, at which point you can look him in the eye (while verbally maintaining niceties) and make him feel like a poser adult. Similarly, if a guy gives you some sort of “what’s up dog” handshake, give him the business shake. He’ll feel corny (Unless you’re white and he’s black, in which case you should just try your best not to look corny yourself. Also why are you trying establish dominance over a black guy? Bro, that’s racist.)Pro-tip: The best handshake move is to tuck your thumb against your palm and then give them an “Ah I’m just fucking with you” in your best Matthew McConaughey/likeable douchebag-voice, but this move is strictly for the experts.Be Particular
When someone asks you what you want, tell them exactly what you want. If you honestly don’t care, pick something specific and want that. For example, whenever I’m in a situation in which I can specify how I’d like my coffee, I ask for it with one splenda and one equal. This makes me look like a freak, but the type of freak you don’t want to fuck around with. People are careful around anyone who can tell the difference between fake sugars, let alone someone with a nuanced preference.Name Games
When you’re introduced to someone you’ve met before, and you’re unsure if they know your name/remember you, you have two options. Option one is harder to pull off and requires more confidence, but is ultimately more rewarding: Say “Hey, (their name), nice to see you.” They’ll be impressed at your confidence, because everyone knows that this is a risky move. Also they’ll assume you like them (you went to the trouble of learning their name), and people like people who like them! It’s 99% certain that they won’t tell you they forgot your name, but if they do, stay strong, and act like it’s no big deal, while making a mental note to destroy this person. Do not try this strategy with someone who is way cooler/more important than you, because they will not remember you and you’ll look super creepy (they’ll assume you Google Image Searched them).The second option is to reintroduce yourself completely. “Hey, I’m Hanson, what’s your name?” If they bring up that you’ve met, act like you have no recollection. This is a dick move, but still establishes the vital fact that you’re more important than them. Do not, under any circumstance, do that thing where you’re like “Hey, uhhh, I think we met before… I’m Hanson… uh yeah, at Joe’s Party, I think… uh… your name’s Chris, isn’t it?” That makes you look awkward, and looking awkward is for people whom no one respects.Have A Secret
Repressing traumatic events is great if you’re a Hemingway character, but if it’s 2011 and something bad happens there’s nothing wrong with getting a little therapy. That said, pretending that something bad happened to you and that you don’t want to talk about it is an unstoppable way to build an aura of mystery. Obvious you have to be vague. Don’t say something like, “Don’t talk to me about the time I was molested.” Instead just say things like, “I really just don’t want to talk about 1994” or “Please, don’t eat Tex-Mex around me.” For added impact, find ways to make the things you don’t want to talk about come up in conversation, and, when they do, get really quiet.Crush your enemy totally.It must be noted that the most important part of all of these power moves is confidence. Don’t act weird. If you act ashamed, people will think you should be ashamed. You need to give off a vibe that says “I always act how everyone should act.” If you employ these new laws of power correctly, everyone you meet— your competitors— will realize they do not live as powerfully as you and will thus question their own existences.Good luck!
ΔΙΑΦΗΜΙΣΗ
Picking a restaurant is an arduous task, especially in a place like NYC, where there are dozens of options for every type of food. Consequently, no one will be annoyed when you eliminate 96% of eating options for no good reason. Instead, people will consider you a maverick— a person of unique taste who knows exactly what they want out of dinner, and thus life. Personally, I only eat at restaurants that are below street level (and not that garden-level shit either), above the second floor, or at hotels.Handshake Variations
You only get one chance to make a first impression! Luckily, first impressions frequently involve handshakes, and handshakes are a great way to establish dominance. All you have to do in this situation is make the other person feel like whatever handshake he tried was weird, and that yours is the normative hand-shaking style. If it’s a guy who looks like he’s concerned with not being tough enough, go slightly limp. He’ll overcompensate and shake too hard, at which point you can look him in the eye (while verbally maintaining niceties) and make him feel like a poser adult. Similarly, if a guy gives you some sort of “what’s up dog” handshake, give him the business shake. He’ll feel corny (Unless you’re white and he’s black, in which case you should just try your best not to look corny yourself. Also why are you trying establish dominance over a black guy? Bro, that’s racist.)
ΔΙΑΦΗΜΙΣΗ
When someone asks you what you want, tell them exactly what you want. If you honestly don’t care, pick something specific and want that. For example, whenever I’m in a situation in which I can specify how I’d like my coffee, I ask for it with one splenda and one equal. This makes me look like a freak, but the type of freak you don’t want to fuck around with. People are careful around anyone who can tell the difference between fake sugars, let alone someone with a nuanced preference.Name Games
When you’re introduced to someone you’ve met before, and you’re unsure if they know your name/remember you, you have two options. Option one is harder to pull off and requires more confidence, but is ultimately more rewarding: Say “Hey, (their name), nice to see you.” They’ll be impressed at your confidence, because everyone knows that this is a risky move. Also they’ll assume you like them (you went to the trouble of learning their name), and people like people who like them! It’s 99% certain that they won’t tell you they forgot your name, but if they do, stay strong, and act like it’s no big deal, while making a mental note to destroy this person. Do not try this strategy with someone who is way cooler/more important than you, because they will not remember you and you’ll look super creepy (they’ll assume you Google Image Searched them).
ΔΙΑΦΗΜΙΣΗ
Repressing traumatic events is great if you’re a Hemingway character, but if it’s 2011 and something bad happens there’s nothing wrong with getting a little therapy. That said, pretending that something bad happened to you and that you don’t want to talk about it is an unstoppable way to build an aura of mystery. Obvious you have to be vague. Don’t say something like, “Don’t talk to me about the time I was molested.” Instead just say things like, “I really just don’t want to talk about 1994” or “Please, don’t eat Tex-Mex around me.” For added impact, find ways to make the things you don’t want to talk about come up in conversation, and, when they do, get really quiet.Crush your enemy totally.It must be noted that the most important part of all of these power moves is confidence. Don’t act weird. If you act ashamed, people will think you should be ashamed. You need to give off a vibe that says “I always act how everyone should act.” If you employ these new laws of power correctly, everyone you meet— your competitors— will realize they do not live as powerfully as you and will thus question their own existences.Good luck!