A BURNING NEED TO KNOW
Dear Vice Team, We need the answers of the “I’ve Got a Match: Your Face and My Ass” puzzle from the 2007 Photo Issue (Volume 14 Number 7). Thanks, F. DORAIS Dear Ass Lover: They are online at viceland.com. WHY US?
Dear Vice, It seems that most of the world feels a superiority toward US Americans or culture. People here called me spic, our government calls them aliens—get over it! Ninety-nine percent of my friends have died from AIDS, or would have, but died from something else first. When you are negative, the CDC tells the general public, safe sex is kissing, oral, or anal with condom. Become positive and visit the nurse practitioner 20 years later, she tells you something crazy like chances are 1,000 percent to transmit HIV orally, 9,000 percent with condom (rough figures) but gives no documentation. Being positive you are discouraged from receiving help through AIDS groups for rent, food, or utilities unless you’re on HIV meds. You are considered a health risk to yourself. My brother used my identity 39 times, my sister tells all her friends my status, I’ve served prison time, been raped three times, fatal attraction sliced my face (36 stitches), had my lip bitten through, was mentally and physically assaulted by my dad (parents dead), porn pictures at age 16, etc, etc… I’m truly content staying home alone, “because I don’t need friends to do bad by because I can do bad all by myself.” God takes care of my friends and my enemies (my quote). Just waiting for that asteroid (the size of the Rose Bowl) to hit the earth after 04-13-2035 (NOVA). Ugly, vicious, or non-Americans have it so easy. Sincerely, FRANKLIN VEGA
Denver, CO Frankly, Franklin (ha ha ha) you sound like our kind of fella. But do you realize who you sent this letter to? Or, to clarify, why in the fuck did you send this letter to Vice? Oh wait, is it because you’re nuts? OK then. Fair play, mate. SLANGUAGE BAN GOING JUST FINE…
Dear Vice, Thanks. The article on slang/abbreviating made me very happy. Now I know that I’m not the only one who reacts to the term “BFF” by wanting to stab the moron who said it with a Big Fucking Fork. Your magazine is great and thanks again, VIRGINIA FOURNIER
Calgary, AB OH SHIT, WAIT A SECOND…
Yo Vice! ’Sup? I really dig yer shizzles! You make me laugh a lot. Hecka lots! Anyhoo, I don’t think we should stop with the slang. That would be a total douche maneuv! What’s next? Wearing ball caps straight? Only one belt? Using it to actually hold your pants up? Shaving off the silly 70s ’stache? So long to neck tattoos? No thank you! Slang is a blessing in disguise… the evolution and de-evolution of language at the same time. Peace ups, y’all! THE NORG
Seattle, WA Sorry, but we just think people should stop sounding like valley girl robots with fifth-grade educations. Totes sue us in charge! PROGRESS
Hi, I just noticed that on the world map on your webpage all of the countries that have Vice in them are First-World. Are you afraid of starting up Vice Mexico or Vice Brazil for some reason or other? PAUL GARCIA-LOZANO
Via email Isn’t it weird that Mexico and Brazil are still the Third World? It’s true that they were dropped in that class during the Cold War (aka a million years ago), and that the whole concept of First, Second, Third, and Fourth Worlds is goofy, but seriously, still? Now? What the fuck is wrong with this planet? Can we not take care of this shit? Oh sorry, anyway yeah, we’ve been talking to some people about doing Vice in both of those countries and one day we probably will. PILE OF PUKE
Dear Vice, At some afternoon time today, I slowly began to stir from hazy dreams, attempting to separate my newfound reality from the images of two busty females sitting in my shower giving each other enemas, grinning at me with smiles that said everything was copasetic. Dry mouth. Throbbing head. Bladder about to erupt a fire-hose stream of urine through my cock. My brain wrestles with clues it should know all too well by now. Where am I? In my bed. Why are two hot girls pumping shit out of their assholes? I was dreaming. What causes a dry mouth? Dehydration. How does one become dehydrated? From spending $102.75 on shitty well whiskey at some dive bar the night before. Socrates himself would of [sic] been proud as I moved my limited knowledge of these events to a deeper awareness and understanding: Last night was a shit show, my hangover today is going to blow harder than a fag on an asshole, I have to piss badly, and my dreams are teetering on the edge of requiring psychoanalysis. For a large portion of today I sat in the living room contemplating my existence with the shades drawn and cursing drinking until this little fact dawned on me: Drunken reverie is a cornerstone of my existence. If I didn’t incorporate it into my life I’d still spend a large portion of my days sitting at home with the shades drawn, only I’d watch some watery American reality-TV show, rub one (two, three, or four) down, and fall asleep as a puddle of moisturizer spilled onto the couch. Reacquainted with a feeling of self-worth I picked up a copy of Vice magazine I’d seen sitting on our coffee table for some time. The Drug Issue. Wow. Love the writing style. Higgins’s article on cutting was very well drafted. Loved Grain’s choice of a Canadian farmer for a test subject. Vito’s “Blacks vs. Whites” article lacked even an inkling of scientific basis and was almost as pretentious as Arfin’s recovery ABCs, but still was wilding entertaining. So how do I get a gig with you guys? Sincerly, ZACH
Via email Oh, you’re one of those guys who thinks that because you get drunk and “ruminate” a little, you’re a gonzo journalist. For the record: Not only do we hate gonzo journalism, but it also doesn’t exist. Can you believe that? We hate something that doesn’t even exist! Seriously though, the only way for you to get a gig with us is to be the opposite person of who you are right now.
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