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Why Are You Doing This? The Abe Lincoln Story

Don't listen to The Abe Lincoln Story's music hoping to learn about Abe Lincoln. Listening to this will only teach you about barfing.
Kelly McClure
Κείμενο Kelly McClure
24 Ιούλιος 2012, 5:25pm

The thing about the Why Are You Doing This column is that we get soooooooo much shitty music sent to us, it's hard to tell what's shitty enough to single out. What that means is that if your band lands in this column, you are painful enough to the ears and eyes to cause us to actually want to put forth the effort it takes to drop everything else we're doing and warn others about just how turdy you really are.

My boss handed me The Abe Lincoln Story's What Time Is It?! album because it looks bat shit insane, and it is. I was excited to listen to it because I had zero idea what it was, and thought maybe I'd be learning some new facts and details about the life and times of Abraham Lincoln. No. What I ended up learning was that old men should not have hobbies than involve them putting on "outfits" and making noises with their mouths and hands that some (few) would call music.

While tying that last paragraph, the song "Funky Country" played, and as it went on, I found my eyes welling up with tears, and noticed that it was becoming more and more difficult to organize my thoughts. The very notes of the song were somehow breaking me down and causing me to no longer have a healthy and positive outlook on life. My discomfort was primarily caused by the fact that the song was not nice to hear, but also because the word "funky" is one of my top five LEAST favorite words, with number one being "moist." If this band AND album were called "moist," my brain would explode after thinking about it for one second and then I would cease to exist.

UPDATE: LISTENING TO THIS IS LITERALLY FILLING MY MIND WITH UNMEASURABLE QUANTITITES OF FEAR, UNCERTAINTY, AND RAGE.

Oh look, their Bandcamp has an embed code for the album. I'm sorry.

I am having a horrible experience. I wish my boss had never given this to me. Nothing is okay.

Previously: Why Are You Doing This? Sleep

@WolfieVibes