Dave Schilling

  • People Being Beaten up for "Looking Arab"

    I have compiled all the most galling, depressing, exhausting cases of racism, either overt or covert, that I have come across in the last seven days. I will be rating each of these cases on a scale of 1 to RACIST. With '1' being the least racist, and...

  • The Best Places to Stash Used Condoms

    All human activities produce waste. When one drives an automobile, carbon monoxide is expelled. After eating a meal, a person tends to create what most reputable scientists refer to as “shit.” Sexual relations are not exempt from this rule.

  • The Audacity to Cope: Surviving an Election Panic Attack

    Every black person I met in Grand Park wanted to hug me, or high-five me or congratulate me, as though I had done something special. I suppose being an oppressed minority that isn’t in prison due to systemic prejudice is a worthy accomplishment, but I...

  • The Straight Man's Guide to Receiving Anal Sex from Your Girlfriend

    On more than one occasion, a woman has asked me if I wanted to do “butt stuff” when it became clear that coitus wasn’t cutting it anymore. Assplay is a logical next step in a male/female sexual relationship.

  • Drugs That Make Me Cry

    I spend the vast majority of my time not being myself. I avoid expressing my true feelings if I think they will alienate others. I stifle my ego so as not to come off as self-absorbed. Due to the prevalence of the lie expressed earlier, I occasionally...