john saward

  • Look on Mike Tyson, Ye Mighty, and Despair

    Mike Tyson is a motherfucker. Mike Tyson is a scientist of pain. Mike Tyson's prefight music is just noise. Mike Tyson is afraid of everything and everything is afraid of Mike Tyson. Mike Tyson is a God.

  • Land of the Free, Home of the Cave

    Man caves still exist and civilization is worse off for it. They are the male ethos writ large: no ambitions beyond hiding in a place surrounded by miniscule triumphs and pedestrian hobbies, while females are present only in two dimensions on a...

  • Man Have Sex with Girl in Cave: Dissecting ‘Gigolos’

    It is conceivable that, one day, I will meet someone who has walked on another planet. The person will describe for me the cosmic insignificance of our individual lives and how simultaneously splendid and bleak the universe is. I will make a face and...

  • Ryan Lochte Is a Human Jägerbomb

    Ryan Lochte is just barely a person. He is a walking treatise on bro culture: driven only by his basest impulses, no restraint, going hard, going big, getting your back, shredded abs, hot dog/penis jokes, iPhone pictures of friends mid-vomit. He is a...

  • The Loveliest Chauvinist

    If the name Andrew Dice Clay has any significance to you, it is, inevitably, as the blockheaded, spectacularly leathered obscenity-dispenser who once looked like some combination of Mad Max and Liberace and who now looks like the guy who lives...

  • Infomerciless

    I am watching television at four in the morning and a dozen women named things like Danni and Lyndsay and Monica are laughing at my penis. Not laughing in the way they might if my penis had a ventriloquist act or looked like Abe Vigoda, but laughing...

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  • Why I Love Watching Ron Jeremy Fuck

    To witness Ron Jeremy have intercourse is to witness a grizzly bear eat a flamingo, or an orphan try to break into a vending machine. You don't masturbate to Ron Jeremy having sex, because using a Ron Jeremy scene to masturbate is like using a volcano...