Articles by Ben Johnson

Ben Johnson

Ben Johnson is perfectly aware that he is an idiot. Wants you to know it. Wants to get that out in the open. This guy is an idiot. Never forget. Also: Chicagoan, native Marylander, recovering comedian, active misanthrope, borderline Agoraphobe. But mostly idiot.

Help! I’ve Been Trolled!

My heart is blackened, full of rage, and it is pacing, staring out of my rib cage with vengeance-lit eyes like a newly captured tiger. I want blood. Because I read something stupid. Something has to be done. Full story

2013 Mar 6 Ben Johnson Stuff

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I Might Have Horrible Taste in Music

Normal human beings don’t do things like investigate the feminist implications of Rihanna just because. Normal human beings hear “Titanium” and either go “oh good” or “change it,” and that decision happens in less than three seconds, and that’s more than enough time to spend thin… Full story

2013 Mar 5 Ben Johnson Music

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Your Scene Is Cashed

All this work and striving and grief is background to a “thing on the internet that rifled around the world and was forgotten forever in a matter of hours,” which is EVERYTHING FROM NOW ON. Full story

2013 Feb 21 Ben Johnson Music

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On the Good Ship Lollipoop

Media coverage of the Carnival Cruise Ship Triumph’s recent ill-fated voyage, which ended in sewage-logged ignominy in Mobile, Alabama last week, says a lot about America’s state of mind. Full story

2013 Feb 19 Ben Johnson Stuff

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The Nationals Are a Real Baseball Team Now, a Homeless Guy Said So

The Washington Nationals are 100 percent for real. They exist. They are good. How good? Even homeless people in ass-backwards Chicago know about them. Full story

2013 Feb 7 Ben Johnson Sports

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The Monopoly-Brand Monopoly Cat Is Coming For Your Eyeballs

The makers of Monopoly switched out the iron with a cat and it made us have an emotional breakdown. Anyhow, there’s a new piece on the Monopoly board, and it’s a kitty cat. Goodbye, Iron, hello, Kitty Cat. Tell your friends. Tweet to the world. Go nuts. Full story

2013 Feb 6 Ben Johnson Stuff

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TXTPAL Has My Identity Now

In what I’m sure is a stupid move, I agreed to join TXTPALS. The idea of it is they set you up with a text-message pen pal, but really they probably just want to sell your cell phone number to whoever wants it. So I’m looking forward to getting text messages directly from Papa Jo… Full story

2013 Feb 4 Ben Johnson Stuff

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Why Non-Alcoholic Beer Is the Best Kind

I haven’t had any alcohol for a year. I’m not sure I can recommend sobriety for everybody, but it did OK things for me. I don’t blame my problems on other people as much. I can finish a higher percentage of the things I start. If I don’t like something, I generally don’t do it. I… Full story

2013 Jan 30 Ben Johnson Stuff

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My New Favorite Website on the Internet About the Internet

There is a Tumblr somebody set up for capturing ignorant Twitter responses to the announcement of this year’s Coachella lineup’s headliner: the Stone Roses. They are professions of ignorance. That is an objective fact. These people don’t know who the Stone Roses are, and they are… Full story

2013 Jan 25 Ben Johnson Music

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Dear Kelly McClure, My Name Is Penis, I'm Not New Here

So yesterday I (Kelly McClure) wrote a thing about how guys piss on restroom floors because they don't know how to work their dicks and it made a lot of people upset in some way or another. One random guy wrote me a five paragraph email about it, and then our own beloved Ben John… Full story

2013 Jan 24 Ben Johnson NSFW

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