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Minnesota is now trying to outlaw gay marriage—I’m not sure why, I thought they were a cool state—and their punter, Chris Kluwe is reprising his awesome Deadspin rant on lustful cockmonsters with a radio spot. But if he really wants to piss off no-neck football fans, he should probably divorce his wife and marry his head coach. It’d be pretty funny, I think, and would make for good drama once the coach gets fired—right now, the Vikings are kinda-good-but-boring, and that’s no fun.
PICK: MinneostaNew England (-7) and St. Louis at London
Cheerio lads, ‘ere we are in jolly old England, pip pip and all that, wot? ‘Ello! ‘Ello! I say, Tom Brady’s quite fit, innit it? Not that I’m a fag, which is what we call cigarettes in England, which is where we are, wot? Lorry! Lift! Jolly good. Let’s ‘ave some crisps and watch the football game, which is what we call soccer. ‘Ello!
PICK: New EnglandIndianapolis (+3.5) at Tennessee
Quick, name seven players from Tennessee. Now name four cities in Tennessee. If you can answer one question and not the other, there’s something wrong with you.
PICK: IndianapolisJacksonville (+15.5) at Green Bay
Remember that Flintstones where they met Michael Jackstone? I do. Ha ha. Jackstone. Jack-STONE. He told the kids not to do drugs:
He should have told them not to live in Jacksonville, ever.
PICK: Green BaySan Diego (-2.5) at Cleveland
It’s always weird when you meet someone from San Diego outside of San Diego. It’s like, one, how can you real-deal wear one of those Padres shirts with the swinging bald guy on it and look at yourself in the mirror, and, two, what the hell are you doing leaving paradise for somewhere where people double up on socks in cold weather? I mean, come on, buddy, what do we have that San Diego doesn’t? Live music? Just move back home.
PICK: Cleveland
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Is it normal to get really excited when two bird teams play each other? Just imagine how cool it would be if a falcon fought a hawk! Aaaaahhh! That would be so awesome! This game will be awesome too, as the only undefeated team goes on the road against a team that’s probably just good enough to challenge them, if Michael Vick doesn’t turn the ball over 500 times.
PICK: PhiladelphiaSeattle (+2.5) at Detroit
My friend has a spot in Detroit, but he doesn’t live there, he just pops in now and then. He says that when he visits, which is three or four times a year, his neighborhood—which is semi-beat, but not super gnarly or anything—gets a little nicer. Like, every three months there’s a new coffee shop or one of those stupid fancy donut places. Just thought you all should know before all those “Detroit is the new Seattle!” articles come out.
PICK: SeattleMiami (+2.5) at New York Jets
Do you know what was on the front page of the New York Post this week? Eva Longoria dumping Mark Sanchez. Mark is “really upset,” apparently, according to “a source,” which is likely Post-speak for “something we made up when we were hammered.” But still, I bet it is upsetting to be a quarterback in an intense media town whose celebrity girlfriend (who is 12 years older than you) publicly breaks up with you. Mark should have played in Minnesota or Arizona, someplace quiet where he wouldn’t be tempted by high-profile women and eviscerated by the media. Maybe then he would have developed into a better quarterback.
PICK: Miami
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Here’s a question for you: Why hasn’t the country adopted Chicago-style hot dogs? I mean, FUCK:
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Someone spent a long time editing a bunch of stolen footage into a “home made commercial” starring Robert Griffin III. It is quite something. My favorite part is when there are police cars prominently in a shot for no reason.
PICK: WashingtonKansas City (-1) at Oakland
“Imagine a boot stepping on a human face… forever.” –George Orwell, describing this game.
PICK: Who even cares about this I think I’m going to go eat a bunch of gross nachos with fake cheese on ‘em and stuff.New York Giants (-2) at Dallas
If I was a young woman who didn’t have a whole lot of morals or did sleazy stuff regularly, I would definitely fuck Eli Manning just for the story and so I could talk about his other “Manning face” (by which I mean the face he makes when he has an orgasm). And I would definitely not fuck Tony Romo for similar reasons. I don’t know if that says more about Eli, Romo, or me.
PICK: New YorkNew Orleans (+6) at Denver
Most of the over/under lines this week (for the uninitiated, that’s essentially the amount of points the Vegas intelligentsia thinks are going to be scored in each game) go from 42 to 47. But this game’s over/under is 55.5. Meaning this will have a lot of scoring, mostly thanks to the Saints terrible defense. It’ll be fun.
PICK: DenverSan Francisco (+6.5) at Arizona
Remember earlier this season when Arizona was good for a few weeks and won more than two games in a row? Man, that was wild. I bet Cardinals fans will be telling their grandchildren about it. Their grandchildren will not believe them. “Grandpa, you mean the players weren’t robots?” Then they will turn their grandfather into usable fuel, because there are no families in the future.
PICK: San FranciscoPrevious week's record: 10-2-1Overall record: 53-47-4Previously: There Aren't Any Good NFL Teams This Year