Hot Dog and the Lady Bun - Reading Between the Lines

We answer your pathetic questions about dating, loneliness, and your inevitable failure.

Dear Hot Dog and The Lady Bun,
I went out on a date with a guy and we ended up sleeping together. He was very nice and even sent a follow-up text the next day saying, “I had a great night with you!” But then I never heard from him. I’m so confused! Why don’t boys say what they mean?!

Deli Meats

Great question, Deli Meats! Men and women have had trouble communicating for aeons now because we’re so very different. You have to remember, men are from Mars and women are from a real fucked-up place with a lot of crying. So sometimes it seems like we speak entirely different languages. Sometimes it will sound a lot like English–familiar and easy to read–and other times it will sound like Russian–fucking crazy. This lack of clarity is what often causes tension in the world of dating. We’ve found that it’s hard to gauge what people mean when they’re not sticking their tongues down your throat.

We’ve created an easy guide to help you navigate what men and women say and what they actually mean.

Hot Dog Explains:

Ladies, I know guys can seem confusing but it’s really just a matter of perspective. Perspective is what makes one person see the color red and another, color-blind person see the color gray. Perspectives often separate us. But they don’t have to. For instance, I love water pistols and hate laser pointers. For my cat, it’s the exact opposite. But we still get along. Me and my cat is a great analogy for men and women, and not just for the awesome pussy pun (but that’s a big part of it). Use this handy decoder to figure out what those sounds coming out of his talky-hole really mean:

What He Said:                                                What He Means:

That was fun! ------------------> Sex is fun. I love sex. With you or anyone. I could have had sex with a plant and I would send the plant this same text. Just keeping it positive! Also, this will never become a relationship!

I’ll give you a call. ------------------> I’ll just list your name as “Rebecca Tits” in my phone.

You’re the best. ------------------> I think of you the way I think of an acquaintance who did me a favor. Or a cool dog.

Thank you for a wonderful evening. ------------------> My girlfriend of five years was in Boston this weekend. Don’t text back.

You awake?------------------> I’m drunk and all the girls at this bar went home. Also, this was a broadcast text.

Lady Bun Talks to Dudes:

Ladies are terrible at games like football and penis sword fights, but they are incredibly good at games of "the mind." They may not technically know more than you, but they seem to “think” they do, sort of like Oprah and the Pope. So, how to do you crack the elusive vag code? Below, I've provided you with some translations for what a girl might say to what she actually means.

What She Said:                                               What she probably means:

Let’s see where this goes. ------------------> Are you going somewhere? Where? Am I coming? I brought a toothbrush.

I’m not ready for anything too serious. ------------------> Cancer is serious. Planning our honeymoon is just fun!

I think both of us are on the same page. You wanna keep things casual. ------------------> Page? I don’t even fucking read. I LOVE YOU.

I had a great time tonight. ------------------> I’ve already decided that crying will be my “thing” with you.

You’re a good egg. ------------------> You know what other eggs are good? The ones in my fallopian tubes. But not for long BABYBABYBABYBABYBABYBABYBABYBABYBABYBABYBABYBABYBABYBABYBABYBABYBABYBABYBABYBABYBABYBABYBABYBABYBABYBABYBABY

Got problems? You sure do! But if you have any dating questions email us at hotdogandtheladybun@gmail.com
Follow us! @kurtbraunohler and @albz

Previously - All Aboard the Dating Train