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For many victims, it's easier to think of your experience as some sort of "rape lite" than to deal with the mess that is being in love with your rapist. It's easier to invalidate your own experience than to accept it.
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Despite his unwillingness to talk about what happened, I knew my rapist acknowledged what he had done, and to me, that makes it worse. He knew he was hurting me, and he carried on doing it anyway, until I stopped saying no. Whether he'll go on to do it to other women, I honestly don't know. I never went to the police or reported him to anyone. Why? Because I couldn't bring myself to. I didn't want to re-live it all again, to re-visit the confusing emotions I had for my ex-boyfriend that I'd begun processing myself and that still, frankly, made me feel ashamed. As for the responsibility that comes with "protecting" any woman he's with in the future and may hurt in the same way, again, I don't know. I realise on some level that I should do something, but shouldn't the autonomy remain with me? At what stage do I stop protecting my own recovery?I knew the definition of rape, of course I did, I just tried to convince myself that I didn't. And it was easier than you'd think.
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