We Asked People Who Regularly Text Their Ex: Why?

It’s cheesy, but it’s true, break-ups are always messy. When you love someone, live with them, share intimate details and share life-changing experiences, their sudden absence can feel like a part of yourself ripped away.

That temptation to text them to let them know what’s on your mind, to voice your anger about the separation, to find closure. The lack of an ex’s presence can be relieving, and anxiety ridding all at once.

We asked nine people about their experience texting their ex, and their motivations behind it.

Trigger Warning: Some responses touch on relationship abuse.

Patricia

“We were friends before we started dating and then when we did date it was a very healthy, happy relationship. The split was pretty amicable because he was moving cities and neither of us wanted to do long distance. But he'll forever be a super good friend even if we never date again and it's nice to keep in touch and see what each other is up to.”

Bill

“I text her randomly because we went through a lot together and therefore consider her a friend and I like to hear how friends are doing. I think it'd be sad to see someone you experienced so much with disappear from your life completely.

We were together for three years and broke up seven years ago.”

Thalia

“I don't text them anymore, because my psych told me I needed to block him (nothing like the taste of harsh reality). But we used to text each other and check in regularly post-breakup because he was going through a pretty fucked time in his personal life (a family member passed away) and I felt obliged to be a friend. Truthfully, I genuinely did still care about him.

Looking back, he probably didn't even need me though and that was just the excuse I was telling myself to keep him in my life. Outside of that, another part of me was also keeping him on the books in case we ever decided to revisit what we once had again. It's hard to hate him because our relationship didn't actually ever end on bad terms — it more just fizzled out, so I guess the element of "what if?" will always be at play.

We weren't even properly dating which is the worst part, we just had a situationship for like six months. The only reason I count him as a borderline relo is that we made it exclusive (aka didn't see anyone else but each other at the time). Things fizzled out in Feb 2021.”

Anywho, I'm in a different relo now and so is he, so we've stopped communication altogether but it was fun while it lasted.”

J

“I was together with my ex for two years and we’ve been broken up for a year and a half now. I definitely kept texting because of Stockholm syndrome, he was abusive so part of my brain has attached me to him, regardless of how he treated me. Hopefully, in the future, I'll FINALLY stop needing validation from him.”

Shantelle

“I don’t text my ex anymore. But in the year after we broke up, I did text him sporadically about three-four times.

We were together throughout the big lockdown in Melbourne, so about a year. And the break up now is almost coming up to two years exactly.

We broke up because of his mental health struggles - nothing to do with our relationship. So I felt like texting him even though we were broken up, was okay. I thought that because he still loved me and I loved him, he would eventually come back to me. He didn’t.”

David

“I’m still in contact with some of my exes and a lot of my ex “situationships”. One ex, in particular, I’d consider one of my best friends. I text them all still for different reasons but I think it all boils down to: there was a reason we were involved in the first place — I like them as humans.

Sometimes relationships end but you still like the person as a person even though you recognise that it's not right as an actual relationship. It’s a shame to lose a good friend just because it didn’t work out as an actual “Thing”. Of course, this only works if the relationship ended amicably. I’m lucky most of my breakups have been that way.

Actually, I don’t think luck has anything to do with it. I only choose to get involved with good people — I’m not good at a lot, but I AM pretty good at sniffing out the kind of person I don't want to be involved with after just one date.

The ex I'm still best friends with to this day was a two-year relationship. We broke up in June 2021.”

Natalie

“Past the break-up, we wanted to still be decent with each other - and ended up becoming quite good friends as we grew up along the way! We only dated for about five months about nine years ago. Feels like we got to really know each other again in a way that we didn't get to while dating.”

Jane

“They were an integral part of my life for over two years. Wouldn’t want to lose them completely due to incompatibility in a relationship. It’s been six years since the breakup, but we still occasionally keep in touch.”

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