Mr Ahmadinejad, back at the UN

In Welcome Back Baby! news, Iranian President and nuclear free-thinker, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, is going to be speaking at the United Nations Summit to tackle world poverty, disease and hunger. It's nice to see the guy throw himself back in at the deep end, but we're getting nervy that he might gaffe all over it. After all, our man Mahmoud has denied the Holocaust several times and is pretty fond of fighting talk. To help the event run smoothly, we've made him a crib sheet of things to say and things he really shouldn't say at the UN.

DO SAY!

* The Caspian Sea is the world's largest lake. Its mighty sturgeon population could feed many of your beggars.

* I am Mr. Fighting Poverty. Back in my old neighbourhood they used to call me Mahmoud "Millennium Development Goals" Ahmadinejad.

* I love America! Your women have so many hands!

* As a sign of my commitment to peace, I will no longer be re-appointing the position of Jewcatcher-General.

* I’m here to lend my support to Lady Gaga’s Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell protest.

* Remember back in the 90s when people listened to British music and we were the good guys? Shit changes, man.

* Hide yo kids, hide yo wife.

DO NOT SAY!

* I'm afraid I don't know the exact amount arms-limitation will save. If only I had a Jew's grasp of figures.

* I was just thinking about solving world famine and, I was wondering, have you guys seen Alive? Maybe we could do that. Except, instead of being in a plane crash and eating our friends we could bomb Israel and eat Israelis.

* When I watch TV and see all of those starving kids around the world, I can't help but cry. I mean, I'd loved to be skinny like that, but not with all the flies and death and stuff. [via Mariah]

* If you don't set some of our prisoners free then so help me I will kidnap a bunch of government officials right here, right now, and butcher them in my Presidential Suite.

* I would rather a black baby die, than a white person buy my album. [via The Fugees]

* Mr Obama! Mr Berlosconi was just telling us how wonderful your son was in The Karate Kid.

* No more sabre-rattling… Look, I'll lay my cards on the table. Just give us Salman Rushdie and we'll call the whole thing off.

* Excuse me while I step into something more menacing.

* Iran has decided to recognise the state of Israel. After all, you cannot obliterate that which you cannot recognise.

* My dick is sort of like a white supremacist. I'm going to start dating separately from my dick. I always thought Holly Robinson Peete was gorgeous. Every white dude loved Hilary from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. And Kerry Washington. She’s super hot and she’s also white-girl crazy. Kerry Washington would break your heart like a white girl. Just all of a sudden she’d be like, "Yeah, I sucked his dick. Whatever." [via John Mayer]

SIOUXSIE SHOE