Have a Shitty Weekend!

Photo by Jamie Taete

The weekend, as a construct, is kind of strange, isn’t it? Here is, conventionally, the two days a week you’re allowed to do whatever you want. You can go wherever you like, drink with whomever you please, enjoy the fruits of your respective area. But this freedom comes at a price, because you may just end up doing something totally shit.

And chances are you will end up doing something totally shit. Because there aren't many things that aren’t shit. Think about the things that are good, then think about the things that are shit. Heavily outweighed, isn’t it? I mean, it might not be if you’re a bucket-headed serotonin farm where it’s all just amaze and everything’s wowza, but search inside yourself, truly look into the pit of your being, and ask: Does it really get any better than just being drunk and/or on drugs? This reporter says "no", but for those of you looking to fill your mandatory free time up in a thick fog of tawdry activities, take a gander at these little fillies.

Have yourselves a shitty little weekend.

Craft Beer Rising
Fri 21 to Sun 23 Feb, Old Truman Brewery, E1 6Q1

"We’re in the grip of the craft beer revolution," says Time Out, of "Craft Beer Rising". If this "craft beer revolution" includes ale cunts getting locked up in the Bastille for a fortnight only to be beheaded via guillotine in front of a crowd of Carling-drinking braying peasants, then I’m all for it. Sadly, I don’t think this is the case.

For three whole fucking days, you can wander around the Truman Brewery, sampling more than 200 beers from over 60 beer factories, and, of course, more street food that you can smash to pieces with your own face. If walking around an old brewery with a bunch of other wankers who get genuinely enthusiastic about a fucking drink isn't enough, you can enjoy a DJ set from Reverend and the Makers. Oh yeah, and then there's what I can only imagine will be the most mind-numbing "panel discussion" of all time. Ale Prick #1: "Do you like this one?"
Ale Prick #2: "Yeah it’s nice that."
Ale Prick #1: "Cool, what about this one?"
Ale Prick #2: "Yeah, not bad."
Ale Cunt #1: "Sweet, and what about this one?"

I'd rather hear the sound of my viscera being emptied than listen to these fucking weapons talk about booze. You should totes go.

Photo by Nick Pomeroy

The NUS "Tackle Lad Culture" Summit
Friday 21 Feb

If there’s a bunch of people who are assured to give you a riotous Friday night, after the shackles of your forced participation in this depressing capitalist system have been lifted, that’s the National Union of Students. And boy howdy do they have something special in store for all you dancing bears of the patriarchy today. In a summit – which is a word I thought people only used when they were getting together to stop the planet melting – some panellists will be discussing how to STOP lad culture.

Which is all well and good. No one should be forced to have their arse squeezed by some Jack Wills wearing prick while they're trying to enjoy their 50p Mojito. It’s a noble cause, for sure, and there’s a panel ranging from the dignified (representative for GirlGuiding Bijal Rama, Lib Dem MP Jenny Willott) to the outraged letters-to-the-editor page (No More Page 3).

Though where, pray tell, are the real-ass students? The majority of them that aren’t rapists will be bumping uglies to Rudimental, blessem, and what’s a #LAD summit with no #LADS? Why are the #LADS being misrepresented here? Where, I ask you, are the shots of bleach being done off a microwave you've set fire that your mate Dave's trying to put out with his own piss? Nowhere to be seen. C’mon ladies, you can’t fight sexism with sexism, it’s just not Friday night. So let's join together as one and get absolutely fucking canistered.

– – – Rings
All weekend, Leeds Craft Centre

Are you, like, bang into rings? No, I mean are you really, really into rings? You are? What – for real? Then you’ve struck a dam full of crude oil with a rusty pickaxe if you live in the Leeds area. Because, from January to June, the annual showcase of pieces-of-metal-you-wrap-around-one-or-more-of-your-fingers is coming to town, and you can bet your bottom dollar there’s going to be pieces by guys with the names "Jean Scott-Moncrieff", "Frieda Monroe" and "Bek Genery". All the hits!

I dunno, go see some rings, don’t go see some rings, I don’t give a shit personally.

Do what you want with your weekend, just make sure it’s shitty, cos remember this, friends: Shit things make for much more interesting stories than good ones. No one likes to see someone enjoying themselves, so don’t be a dick.

@joe_bish