HAIL SATAN, EH

_Aaron just started interning at Vice _last week, and what better way to welcome him into the fold than to send him to have high-tea with a Satanist resembling the demonic offspring of Bono and Dennis Hopper. That's the best costume we've ever heard of, supposing you threw some sexy cat ears in the mix.__

Salako Kalfou is a self-proclaimed Satanist and a man who has more or less dedicated his life to the occult. This time of year is something like Christmas, combined with being a kid in a candy store in the sulfuric bowels of the underworld for him--just being jazzed about Big Red, basically. His organization, "The Occult Research Bureau," sounds like something out of The X-Files, but it's based right here in Toronto and welcomes anyone curious enough to come learn more about Satan and whatever other paranormal endeavors they are getting themselves into over there.

We sat down at the Rue Morgue House of Horror, a converted funeral home turned Lucifer's Consulate, magazine publishing house, and cinema among other things, to talk with him about the Devil.

Vice: Hey Salako, can you tell me a little about yourself?
Salako: Sure, I am the current director of the Occult Research Bureau, and I have been since about 1982. It was founded in 1923 and our headquarters are in Toronto. Part of my childhood was here in Toronto. I was born in Orgosolo, Sardinia, Italy.

For those who don't, know what is Satanism?
That's a very good question, it really all depends on who you ask. For some, Satanism is a reaction to Christianity, so in order to be a Satanist you must believe in Christianity. The type of Satanism that evolved in the middle ages and well into the early nineteenth-century often depended on Ordained Catholic priests who would preside over the Black Mass. Now the essential ingredients to Satanism are the Black Mass, spells, and demonolatry, which is intercourse between non-human entities and humans. Those are the three essential elements in Satanism.

So, who you are as a person determines what Satan mean to you?
Well, yeah, it's a difficult question. Depending on your orientation, you might see Satan as a champion of the freedom of choice. Other people would see him as a rebel--that definition appeals to youth--they identify Satan as the rebellious one. I would have to be neutral. Satan and his role are defined by people. We have many different denominations on our staff, and some of them are Satanists, witches, magicians, warlocks, etc. So naturally, you can understand that as the director I have to maintain a certain neutrality here. I can't play favorites.

Of course not. How does one go about becoming a Satanist?
There are a few ways. I suppose one way would be to recognize that that archetype exists in all of us, so recognizing the Satanic aspect of your character or soul would be one way. The other, more childish way, is to sign a piece of paper signing your soul over to Satan, and then I guess you start saying "hail Satan" along with wearing Satanic paraphernalia and hang out with people who do the same thing. Or become an Ordained Roman Catholic Priest and commit sexual acts of perversion and then slaughter and sacrifice children on the alter of a naked woman. Or perhaps just go the official route and join the Church Of Satan and become a card carrying member like Marilyn Manson and Sammy Davis Junior.

So just a ton of options then. Are there commandments to obey for Satanism? What happens if you disobey?
Yes, they are to be found in the Satanic Bible. One is "Don't turn the other cheek, unless it's an ass cheek." The punishments for disobedience within Satanism are self-inflicted.

Who's your favorite Hollywood Satan?
Hard to say, there are so many good ones. I did like De Niro in Angel Heart. I thought he played a great Satan. Constantine I enjoyed too. The actor had shit all over his feet, if you noticed. I thought the representation of Hell was great too. The thing is, since people got used to Satan, he has been very popular in literature, film, and the arts. Dante was the first author to popularize Satan. His descriptions of Hell were much more dramatic than anything in the Bible. Ever since it's been an essential part of pop culture. It's everywhere.

Right, are you celebrating Halloween?
Absolutely. I am attending the ceremonious Satanica that is being held in Toronto at the Revival Club on the 30th.

Did you dress up as a kid? Did you have a favourite costume?
Yes, of course. Satan.

What's happening at the Ceremonious Satanica?
We have a party every year, and this particular year Satan's the star. They asked us to produce a special incense that's used to invoke Satan. It is called "The Breathe of Lucifer," and it has, of course, 66 ingredients. We have produced four ounces. For instance, it contains a spice called "Asafetida," which is a spice from India that has the appearance and smell of rotting flesh. It's quite edible. I eat it sometimes in South Indian food. It also contains Brimstone and Dragon's Blood.

Where do you get good Dragon's Blood these days?
The Island of Socotra, one of the four Islands in the Indian Ocean. It comes from a Dragons Blood Tree. The Island has really unusual plant and animal life. It smells beautiful. When you powder it, it looks like crystallized blood. It makes a powder with solid particles. It's put on red hot charcoal and it produces clouds of incense.

Which invokes Satan, and he's supposed to reply?
Yes, this particular incense is used for that. It calls up to Satan, or down. Whichever way you look at it. I can't speak for Satan, but If I was him and was trying to figure out what to do on Halloween, I would go to the Ceremonious Satanica.

Have you invoked Satan before?
Have I? I can't tell you that, that's very slippery of you to ask, trying to figure out my orientation. If I've invoked Satan before I would be a Satanist, wouldn't I? I have to maintain neutrality. Sure, I've attempted to summon Satan. You don't have to be a Satanist to summon Satan. I've come in contact with some minor demons. Satan doesn't come out for just anybody. It's like walking up to the President of The United States. You're going to have to go through some people before you see the President. I always recommend the Satanic ritual that summons Satan to be done in a group. The group mind is much more powerful than an individual's. It's also more controllable than having to deal with it on your own. If you get freaked out you've got some support.

Have you tried summoning him on someone you don't like?
Well, it doesn't really work that way. The other day my neighbor's dog shit on my lawn. I'm going to summon Satan to come burn the dog? No, it doesn't work like that.

What does Satan look like?
His appearance always changes. He could be anything from an entity with horns and a tail, to a well-dressed, good-looking guy. Who's to say he has to be male? Have you ever thought about Satan being female? Could be a real knock-out girl.

Like Elizabeth Hurley in Bedazzled?
Yeah, or Lady Gaga.

I see, what music did you listen to growing up? Do you play any instruments?

Well, I liked Carmina Burana. And I like Beethoven's "Ninth Symphony" as a matter of fact. Rock and roll too. I love rock and roll. To me, rock and roll is just it, you know? I enjoy the Rolling Stones. Growing up I played a thigh-bone trumpet, mostly for ritual purposes. It was made out of the thigh-bone of a condemned criminal and wrapped in human skin. Also, the clarinet.

Eww. What scares you?
Interviews [laughs]. No, not a lot scares me. Actually, I did recently see a film that I thought approached the outer limit of the horror genre. It was a Serbian film that depicts every kind of sexual perversity that one can imagine. The things that were done in that film, I certainly never imagined.

Weird sex acts?
Yeah, that I haven't even thought of. So I wouldn't say I was completely frightened, it was just like, wow, who would of thought that?

So, just scared of weird sex acts then?
I wouldn't like to be at ground zero in a nuclear detonation either, I suppose that would frighten me. Momentarily, anyway.

Not scared of dying?
Dying? Well the first time was pretty terrifying.

The first time?
Yeah, it was terrifying. You get used to it after a while. That's if you remember the times that you died though. I've died quite a number of times, actually. In one case it was a childhood illness, another time it was pretty violent, once of old age, and one that involved a fire.

Did you vote for the new Toronto Mayor?
Yes, I voted for Satan. I stood in line for an hour and a half to do my civic duty and when I got up there, I saw around 40 names on the ballot. So I figured it didn't matter who I voted for, but I still voted for Satan.

Any parting words?
Yeah, can I show you something interesting? See this [picks up medallion]? If you look closely you can see a face, and when I turn it upside down you see another face. It's called a transformation medallion. That's Satan and the Pope. Something to think about.

AARON WYNIA