The Chi-Lites minus Beyonce twerkin'So, being kids of the 90s and grown-ups of the 00s, we've grown up in the ultimate age of derivative spin-offs. We're the sad-ass generation that worships vintage fashion, sequels, remakes and samples, and has apps on five hundred pound phones to get that "Polaroid" look.In the spirit of cultural nostalgia, I thought it was about time to unearth some gems for those who might not yet have clocked on to just how good it used to be maaan. Here is my probably-going-to-be-very-unpopular countdown of "vintage" songs that got lazily recycled for today's mouth-breathing masses.Beyonce: "Crazy in Love" (2003) VS. Chi-Lites: "Are You My Woman (Tell Me So)" (1971)The Chi-Lites were formed in 1959 in Chicago. This song made its way into the R&B top 10 the first year it came out, but hit number one for EIGHT consecutive weeks in its reincarnation. Even Beyonce herself, when asked what makes "Crazy in Love" so infectious, admitted "It's the horn hook. It has this go-go feel to it, this old-school feel". By feel she meant sample obvs.Eminem: "My Name Is" (1999) VS. Labi Siffre: "I Got The" (1975)Eminem and Dre wanted this riff so bad they edited the lyrics of "My Name Is" to get the sample cleared. Siffre later objected to their potty-mouths saying: "Attacking two of the usual scapegoats, women and gays, is lazy writing. If you want to do battle, attack the aggressors not the victims".Notorious B.I.G.: "The Notorious B.I.G." (1999) VS from Duran Duran: "Notorious" (1986)Duran Duran's "Notorious" reached number two when it came out. Just over a decade later, Biggie's "The Notorious B.I.G." only scraped number thirty (SRSLY, check if you want chart nerds). The most notorious thing Simon Le Bon ever did, however, was pick his girlfriend out of a catalogue. So, OK, maybe Biggie had the right to steal this particular title from him…Nas and Damian Marley: "As We Enter" (2010) VS Mulatu Astatke: "Yègellé Tezeta" (1971)There's not much to say about this one, apart from the fact that everything that Ethiopian born Mulatu Astatke has produced will always be much, much cooler than Damian Marley. Disagree? FIGHT ME.Daft Punk: "Harder Better Faster Stronger" (2001) VS Edwin Birdsong: "Cola Bottle Baby" (1979)Edwin Birdsong's "Cola Bottle Baby" didn't even scrape into the charts. Daft Punk put a cyborg voice over the top of it, pulled some robot moves in fancy android outfits, and won a Grammy Award for Best Dance Recording with it forty years later. C'mon, WTF?!J5: "Concrete Schoolyard" (1997) VS Ike Turner: "Getting Nasty" (1969)Ike Turner, the "retro" counterpart to Chris Brown, can at least redeem himself with his back catalog of ridiculously sexy tunes like this track, "Getting Nasty", used by backpack rap pioneers Jurassic 5. I'm kidding! He's still an irredeemably hateful, woman beating dickbag.Dr. Dre: "The Next Episode" (2000) VS David McCallum: "The Edge" (1967)Whoever thought Dre would use David McCallum, the 60s sex symbol that composed bits of oboe and strings music in his spare time, as musical inspiration? Especially as most of his work sounds like the soundtrack to a really good Cluedo game. Also McCallum, for the trivia nerds out there, is now that old guy that plays "Ducky" in NCIS.Blackstreet: "No Diggity" (1996) VS Bill Withers: "Grandma's Hands" (1971)Bill Withers only managed to reach number eighteen on the Best Selling Soul Singles chart in 1971, while Blackstreet not only hit the top spot, but they also knocked that timeless classic "Macarena" from number one to do so. To be fair, this is a great version, but why wasn't Withers invited to booty pop in the video? Shame on you guys. Shame on you.
Advertisement
Advertisement