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I went to the hospital, the doctor scanned me—and then the horrible experience began. She printed out a photo of the fetus and said to me, "Well, this is your last chance." I thought they would give me a couple of days to think it over, but instead, they gave me five minutes. I was really confused, and in that moment, I decided not to keep it. She gave me a pill, I swallowed it, and that was that. As soon as you take that pill, your body starts to detach the fetus, so I couldn't do anything about it anymore. It was too late."I thought they would give me a couple of days to think it over, but instead, they gave me five minutes."
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I was devastated for a long, long time. I was disappointed in myself and at the circumstances, but also in the people around me for not giving me the courage I needed to have the child. I was angry. For the first six months afterwards, it was horrible seeing people with babies, or happy women walking around with huge bellies. All that it did was remind me that I had wanted that child.I wish I had had some sort of support services from the government afterwards to deal with these feelings, but I got nothing. So instead, I felt completely weighed down with regret for a long time. I drank and partied a lot, took a ton of drugs and smoked a bunch of pot just to clear my mind. I would always start crying when I was drunk, and I'd guilt trip my boyfriend all the time. I picked fights because I felt like all the overwhelming feelings inside of me were just as much his fault as mine.We made our relationship work for about six months after the abortion, but broke up quickly. It felt like the trust and the relationship had just snapped as soon as I felt like he abandoned me in my wish to keep the baby. He thought we were too young considering the life we lived—and sure, keeping the baby would have meant we would have had to change our lives, but it's different for the mother than it is for the father. As soon as I found out I was pregnant, I started touching my belly all the time and thinking excitedly, "wow, there's a little thing growing inside of me!" How could my boyfriend connect to that? He was just the guy standing next to me—twenty-two years old and wanting to party.For a few years afterwards, I said to myself that I'd never have kids. Yet now when I see kids, I think they're cute, sweet and amazing little beings. If I find someone some day, I really want to have kids, and a lot of them, too.I'm twenty-six now. When I was twenty-two, I was so dependent on my boyfriend and insecure; I wasn't strong enough to go through with the pregnancy without his support. Now, I'm in a different stage of my life. Perhaps my life is just as messy and confused as it was four years ago, but if I get pregnant now, I'll just do it. I'll take responsibility and make it work."I wish I had had some sort of support services from the government afterwards to deal with these feelings, but I got nothing."