Jamie Taete's Internet Landfill

MUSICIANS RELEASE SINGLES TO COMMEMORATE SOME STUFF

America, The Greatest Nation on Earth, doesn't have enough money to pay firefighters, so they have to rely on volunteers. They're definitely doing something brave and important, and that's great. But wouldn't you feel a little shortchanged if the most appreciation you were offered was a Duracell-branded, hastily recorded (he doesn't even put down his Blackberry to do the vocals), shittily written ("I admire/Your quest for fire") version of a song that no one ever wants to hear again anyway?

And this is a single Beyonce just released to celebrate the death of Bin Laden. On behalf of victims of terrorism and fire worldwide, I just want to say a big "well done" to everyone involved with both of these projects.

NEW WEIGHT LOSS SOLUTION AIMS TO BE EFFECTIVE BY GROSSING YOU OUT TOO MUCH TO EAT

Tongue patches are a new fad diet that have been making the rounds on the news (and by "fad diet" I mean "thing that only a couple of people have done that the news are trying to turn into 'a thing'"). From the manufacturers' website:

"Dr. Chugay was recently on FOX LA News discussing the Chugay Tongue Patch as an alternative to more drastic weight loss methods such as gastric bypass surgery or the lap band."

Which sounds good, right? Anything to stop people having dangerous surgery should be welcomed. So what does it do? Does it have some kind of chemical in it that makes food taste bad? Or release nutrients or something?

"During a reversible procedure that takes less than an hour, the patient is fitted with a custom patch for the tongue which makes the chewing of solid foods very difficult and painful."

Gaaarrrrggggghhhhhhhhhh! I first read about this almost a week ago now and my toes still haven't uncurled. Can people just start eating less and exercising more so that I never ever have to read about something like this ever again?

DAVID LYNCH PREMIERES SUPER SUBVERSIVE AND AWESOME COMMERCIAL FOR NEW COFFEE LINE

I don't mean to sound like one of those parents that gets forced to take their kid to the Tate Modern, then walks around saying "How is this art? It's just an unmade bed. I make one of those for free every morning", but why the fuck do people like David Lynch? He's basically the weavers that sold the Emperor his new clothes. I just looked at a blog written by someone who was into this commercial, and they say that:

"The main filter of human perception, which differentiates between known and unknown, seems to be stretched, relaxed and confused by a mix of disturbing and calming elements. The confusion stimulates thought."

Seriously? That's what makes this good? Maybe I just couldn't get into it because I was unable to shake off the mental image of David, sitting laughing atop a pile of money, picking words out of a hat at random to turn into art.

KANYE WEST RELEASES LINE OF SCARVES

Kanye West has released a line of scarves based on the artwork for his album My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy. Why? So people like me can make fun of him for it on blogs like this while he sits laughing atop his pile of money. Job done Kanye: "Imma letcha finish, but I'm the modern day Midas, everything I touch turns to gold etc etc etc"

Sigh.