We Asked A Psych to Tell Us Why People 'Ghost'?

If you’ve been on a dating app for longer than a month, your DMs might be a haunted graveyard, filled with the supernatural.

Ghosting is an experience we’ve all faced to some degree. In his essay about ghosting, New York Times writer Adam Popescu noted that ghosting can happen in a variety of situations, from friends not responding to texts in solidarity with their social circle, to romantic relationships, and even the man that orders a coffee but leaves before picking it up.

With ghosting comes the void of closure, leaving you to second-guess every text you sent and all your mannerisms. “Was it my appearance?” “Did you come on too strong?” “Was this a prank?” Thinking like this is normal, but it sabotages your own self-worth.

Psychologist Jennice Vilhauer said that ambiguity is the real dagger of ghosting, calling it a form of silent treatment akin to emotional cruelty.

While ghosting can happen at any point in a relationship, it happens so prevalently in the talking and situationship stage. Dating apps like Tinder and Hinge make ghosting incredibly convenient and, perhaps even encourage it.

We spoke with Heath Hutton, a psychologist at Hutton Psychology about ghosting and why it’s so common.

VICE: Hi Heath, Why do people ghost?

Heath: People ghost for a number of different reasons, however, it is usually based on avoidance of a conversation to end a relationship. People can avoid conversations for various reasons. They may feel anxious about a break-up conversation, afraid of difficult emotions that may show up for them during the conversation, afraid of their partner’s response, or that it is a conversation that requires too much emotional energy for them.

Some people ghost because they are afraid of rejecting someone else. Other people ghost because they do not care about the other person’s feelings or feel hurt by something a partner did to them. Another possibility is that they are engaging in multiple dating relationships and have chosen to pursue a relationship with someone else instead.

Is it possible to tell if someone is going to ghost you?

It isn’t possible to tell if someone is definitely going to ghost you, however, there may be signs that your relationship with them isn’t healthy. There could be signs of them avoiding difficult conversations, blocking you from expressing your feelings or refusing to engage in conversations about the relationship. There may also be signs that someone is withdrawing from the relationship. This could include them not seeming committed to you through their behaviours, such as not appearing interested in your family and friends, frequently cancelling plans with you, or not engaging in an equal sharing of vulnerabilities about themselves to the same level you are.

Are there different types of ghosting?

There are different types of ghosting, which vary by degree, the period of time it happens over, and whether there is any continued engagement. For example, someone may ghost by offering very limited communication which is essentially preventing healthy and full interactions this signals a disinterest in the relationship but doesn’t actually communicate properly the desire to end it.

Other types of ghosting involve the complete end of any form of communication or interaction, and the disappearance from social media and any online connections. Another particularly damaging type of ghosting involves someone who may not engage in person or through messages with a partner but may engage in a one-sided way with social media posts, or in group situations.

Is it okay to ghost someone?

Ghosting can be done for a variety of reasons. In most circumstances, ghosting will cause harm to the person who is being ghosted and this isn’t ok. In the least harmful situations, ghosting is inconsiderate of a person’s feelings, and in the worst harmful situations, ghosting is manipulative and abusive. However, there are also some occasions where someone might ghost someone due to a genuine concern for their own safety - in these cases, it may be the safest option and is ok.

What can someone feel when they've been ghosted?

Someone who has been ghosted may feel a variety of feelings to varying degrees of intensity. It is perfectly normal and understandable to feel all of these emotions. Being ghosted can lead to someone feeling sad, anxious, depressed, confused, angry, or cautious. It can also involve grief at the loss of the relationship.

It could also lead to someone doubting other relationships they have such as their friendships. It can be very invasive and damaging to someone’s sense of self-worth - they may believe that this person’s decision to ghost them reflects on them and confirms a limiting or negative self-belief. Sometimes others try to take back control over something that isn’t in their control - they might do this by bad-mouthing the person or spreading rumours. It is difficult to not take ghosting personally but it reflects more about the other person than it does about you.

Do dating apps reinforce ghosting behaviour?

It depends on how a person uses dating apps. Some people use dating apps in a way that reduces the humanity or dignity of the people they communicate with. Dating apps can reduce the consideration of other people’s feelings because of the disconnection created by virtual interactions. There is a certain quality of interaction that happens when people meet face to face that sometimes doesn’t exist online in dating apps. It can also increase the likelihood that people will date various people at once, which can increase the chance they may want to end a relationship through ghosting to avoid any uncomfortable or confronting feelings that may come from a break-up conversation.

What can I do if someone keeps ghosting me, but then coming back after a period of time to reconnect?

It can be difficult if you really care for someone and they come back to you after ghosting. It may be helpful to talk this through with someone such as a therapist or trusted friend to make sure that you are sure about what you want and need from a relationship. It is important that the previous ghosting behaviour is acknowledged and that clear expectations about future communication are set clearly. It would also be important to establish whether the person understands why they previously ghosted you and how things will be different for them this time. There is a risk that if the issues that led to the ghosting aren’t adequately addressed and talked about, they may revert to their previous pattern of ghosting behaviours.

For people who have a habit of ghosting, what advice would you have to help get over the anxiety of a proper break-up?

If you are someone who has ghosted someone in the past, it is important to understand why you did it and the harm you caused. Talking to a professional such as a counsellor or psychologist can help you process what happened and why you chose to ghost. It may also assist you to develop skills and strategies to enable you to have break-up conversations that may involve difficult emotions. It is important to understand the underlying thoughts or emotions that caused you to choose to ghost. Understanding the underlying emotions can help you understand what you need to work on.

Another option if you find it too difficult to engage in an in-person or online conversation with someone, is to use other forms of communication such as text or emails. Whilst it may be more respectful to have a conversation, texts can be a way to respectfully break-up with someone without causing them the harm that comes from ghosting. Officially ending a relationship is a lot more respectful and caring than ghosting. A message such as “Hey, I have enjoyed our time together but I feel that this isn’t working well between us. I don’t think we should keep going out and I just want to be honest. I hope you are ok.”

Many people make mistakes in relationships but is important to keep working on yourself and growing as a person, and apologising to those you may have harmed in the past.

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