Now I Wanna Be Your Dog

In this crazy world of politicians and rapists, there is one thing I would like to propose to the lawmakers: If you want to steal and hide your money so damn bad and not get busted, you should take a lesson from a simple dog from Florida. Eat it, and...

by Bebe McPhereson

August 23, 2012, 7:05pm

Such were the actions of good boy Arnie O’Kelley, a ten-year-old beagle who’s been ingesting large amounts of dollars in Florida, lifting unsuspecting bundles twice in the last seven years and depositing them in his stomach. In the last week the dollar-downing dog dug into his owner’s purse and ate $300 worth of assorted bills, and he’s devoured another hundred in the past. Arnie O' Kelley sounds to me like a smart dog with a human agenda, attempting to complete his own villainous bidding and then make a clean getaway with the unsuspecting owners’ cash. Unfortunately, he got caught. Good thing Arnie is a dog because everybody—including Arnie—knows that dogs don't go to jail for stealing.

BUSTED!

Just as some dogs display inner human abilities, some humans embrace their inner animal too. We like to call this our “spirit animal.” Like Iggy Pop, my spirit animal is a dog, and my ears prick up to listen to its wisdom no matter what the message. So I began to display deep salivating madness, fits of rage, and an incessant need to bite and bite. Turns out my spirit dog had rabies! But my babydaddy didn't mind the biting at all--now it's the only way he enjoys a good foot massage. I just wish he would remove those fucking shoes. “Now I wanna be your dog,” I say to myself every time I look in the mirror before I leave the house. I say it HARD, too. It’s my daily affirmation.

This guy's embrace of his inner animal backfired. Or, well, maybe not. Perhaps he wanted a major change and becoming a dog was the best choice, as the wizard granting transformations that day had potions either for turning the human into a dog or Jessica Simpson's afterbirth. “Plum out of all other choices today, sir.”

Some humans treat their dogs like children. Maybe these are the type of people who have limited brain power? Hello, did you know that your fucking baby is a dog? I definitely do not wanna be these dumb dudes’ dogs…

Nor do I want to be this Janis Joplin grandma baby dog, which seems to have the dog stroller blues.

I like where the dog stroller and baby Bjorn are evolving…dog on a Segue. This is the only time a Segway is cool.

If the human answer to a dog in a stroller or dog in a baby carrier is a kid on a leash, that’s a fucked up question! MAN! Forcing the human dog… That lady must have dropped her whip in this scuffle.