Tidbits

MAKING YOUR FOOT GRUNGE

Grunge died when what’s-his-name blew his head off, but that doesn’t mean you can’t put most of your sock up by your toes and drape your shirtsleeve over your heel to make a portable little grunge buddy that’s always happy to talk with you about the old days.

ASSOLUTI

You know somebody’s proud of their last name when they could give a shit if they’re putting ass on their cheese.

HERITAGE BITES

The word “heritage” usually makes us think of skinheads and old white guys with a lot of stuff to say about rap music. What’s that, 0.000032 percent of the population? You might as well make a cereal for Americans who know where Canada is.

UNCLE JESSE’S NUTS

Either the man behind this snack is mentally ill or he wants you to put his testicles in your mouth.

AFTER EIGHTS

Going to your parents’ friends’ house for dinner was always a torturous bore, but remember when they’d pull these out? It was like an adult candy and you could only have one at a time because they each had individual envelopes that made them special. This is the first time that kids learn “less is more,” which comes in real handy later on during the drug phase.

MY GIRLFRIEND’S ASS CALLING CARDS

You can pretend that Hispanics miss the waterfalls of Nicaragua and the rolling mountains of Colombia but if you did that you wouldn’t sell any long-distance calling cards, now would you?

JEFF FOXWORTHY BEEF JERKY

We see this jerky fucking everywhere. It’s kind of like Heritage Bites but way less obvious.

SHIT BISCUITS

These sell really well in Germany for some reason.

CHILD DROWNER

This adorable little ghost has been known to reach out from under bridges, grab children, and drown them. It’s like Santa Claus but instead of encouraging kids to be good by rewarding them with presents the Japanese are teaching children to be careful around water by threatening them with drowning monsters. Nice.

FUCKER BUS

We’ve said this before and we’ll say it again: “Lose the cargo shorts. How much shit can you possibly have to carry?”

THIS MONTH’S WINNER: MAKING YOUR FOOT GRUNGE

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