Have a Shitty Weekend!

Photo by Jamie Taete

Once again, we reach the apex of our drudge. The weekend is here, and it's time to go out and get gastroenteritis. But in which arena will you spend your time contracting this disease over the next 48 hours? Have a gander at the below and do what I say. Un weekend de merde, dickheads.

Bristol Street Art Tours
Sat 1 March, 11AM

Street art is up there with street dance and street poetry as one of the worst artistic mediums ever devised by the Western world. Bristol is the home of the world's biggest collection of "banging graffs" and this Saturday Bristol Street Art Tours invites you to meet up with other aerosol enthusiasts "Outside/opposite the Hippodrome-ish. You know, where those silly fountains are." So what, these dudes are about to walk around a muggy, freezing cold student dubstep town to look at some elaborate tagging, yet have the sheer gall to slur something else for being "silly"? The cheek of it is unimaginable. I’m not entirely sure what the tour guide would say, either. “Here’s a TOX 08 dub, you can find TOX 07, 06 and 09 just around the corner here. I can’t actually read what this one says because it looks like an epileptic, paint-covered spider but I can assure you it is very cool and really 'Bristol'"?

I don't know, surely the point of "street art" is that it’s something you experience while you're riding a bus or a train, or something found in those obscure corners that you just sort of… happen upon. Not something you pay some crusty £15 to show your wife and kids before you go to Sainsbury's to do the "big shop".

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Disappearing Dining Club
It's a pop-up thing

A mousetrap designed specifically for wankers, but instead of cheese it’s canapés.

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The Suggestibles
The Cumberland Arms, Newcastle-Upon-Tyne

Nothing makes my heart burn to a cinder and crumble in a tiny ashcloud over my lungs like improv comedy. Long the preserve of earnest Americans waiting for their big break on Saturday Night Live, the idea of a bunch of people who consider themselves "top lol" improvising funny situations is enough to bring me to tears via cringe. So, if you fancy spending your weekend sitting down somewhere, trying to make yourself laugh out of politeness, bring your boots on over to The Suggestibles, who will, at your command, be funny.

It has the feel of someone who’s been told they aren’t funny, and are out to prove it wrong. "Go on," they say, sweating and grinding their teeth, "I’m fucking funny. I can make a joke out of anything." But that’s not what being funny is about. You can’t just make jokes from nothing, they need substance, like this article. But the listing argues that what's on offer here isn’t just "off the cuff stand-up". Thank God! But wait. What’s this? "A wildly irreverent improvised musical in the second half." This shit is two hours long.

Apparently this is the tenth anniversary of the group, who do a show on the last Friday of every month, and have built up a dedicated following. Which just goes to show, you, me, anyone can have a shitty weekend for a whole decade – you just have to believe.

@joe_bish