New York - No Spend-a-Thon

 bet me money that I wouldn't be able to go without spending any for three days in NYC. But I had to be strict with it—so sleeping at my apartment and taking shits in my toilet wouldn’t fly because I would technically be paying for rent, utilities, etc. Another stipulation was I couldn’t sleep at any of my friends’ places and wasn’t allowed to tell them what I was doing; I had to mooch. Regardless, it was a cinch.

Day 1

I had no warning that I would be asked to do this the day of, so as usual I came into work without eating breakfast. Around noon I was IMed with an explanation of the premise and once my co-workers found out they were refusing to talk to me because I was a “bum.” They threw scraps of food in the trash can adjacent to my desk while saying stuff like, “Too bad someone isn’t around to finish this.” But I wasn’t anywhere near that hungry yet.

At the end of the day I stole a liter-sized plastic bottle off someone’s desk and filled it up from the water cooler. After work I phoned a friend who owed me a few drinks and headed to a dive bar for a couple hours. After that, we went back to his place and I raided his fridge while he was in the bathroom. By the time he came out I had stuffed a cold tilapia fillet and some strawberries in my mouth without him having a clue. Then it was off to the park where I laid down on a bench and pretended to be a homeless person by spreading newspaper over me like a blanket. It must take some expertise because within five minutes it was all over the ground. But it was a mild night, and I’ve had much worse slumbers.

Day 2

The sun woke me up around 6:15 and I was a little hungry. There’s a produce stand by the park with all sorts of fruit outside. It was so easy to steal two bananas that I’ve been doing it almost every day since. I arrived at the office early and raided someone’s cereal. The only thing I really missed and couldn’t figure out how to get for free was coffee.

Around lunchtime I saw someone toss a half-eaten salad in the trash, so I immediately snatched it up. It was mixed greens with some vinaigrette, still in the plastic container. Later that night I stole a half-pound of pasta salad from the grocery store and ate in the park. Someone suggested that I sleep in the subways or at the bus station, but I didn’t feel like going through the hassle (plus, this would technically be “spending money”). I ended up on a bench at the park again. I ran into a homeless guy who is always hanging around my block. He let me have a half a bottle of King Cobra and told me about how he used to have a union maintenance job, but it all went downhill when he switched from meth to crack. It was a good bedtime story.

Day 3

Today I woke up at 5:30, tired and sore. Some green mystery film was all over the pant leg of my jeans, so I went to the water fountain to take a sip and scrub it off. I sat outside a coffee shop for a few hours and scored an almost full cup of lukewarm chai someone left on a table. On the way to work I stopped in a bakery and asked them if they had anything they were about to throw out. Turned out they just took out the trash and directed me to the bag where I could find some bread. I snatched two sesame bagels. They were pretty good. I went down the street and lifted a pack of gum from the bodega because my breath smelled like a dirty diaper.

At work everyone was asking me how it was going and offering me food: Cobb salad, Pad Thai, French fries, a bagel, and a corn muffin—I ate better than days when I was actually allowed to spend money. It turned out to be a late night at work and someone bought a bottle of bourbon, so I hung out until 10 or so getting loaded. Afterward I met some buddies at a bar and pretended that I lost my wallet, so they bought me Guinness and Jameson the whole night. We ended up going to someone’s apartment that I didn’t know at around 3 AM. Since technically I wasn’t in violation of the not-sleeping-at-a-friend’s-house rule, I passed out on their couch for a few hours until someone was shaking my shoulders and asking me who I was. After a mumbled apology, I headed home to my bed and slept like I was dead.