MEET THE NIERATKOS - FIRST FATHER'S DAY

Last week was my first Father's Day. My wife had to remind me because I have never celebrated Father's Day before. I was rather unsure what to do with myself. I didn't now if I was supposed to wear a tie or go in the garage and build something. Luckily, my wife's retarded Uncle Lonnie had all the answers.

Lonnie is a party machine. You should know this by now. If you're bored or unsure of how to get things started just ask Lon Da Milan. "What should we do, Lon?" "Go fuck your shit!" will most likely be his answer.
I asked him what I was supposed to do for Father's Day and he ignored me and just went ahead and sang two of his favorite non-Beatles songs.

It was good to see Lonnie Krueger back in action. The week before he had a 45–minute epileptic seizure. For days afterward he barely spoke and had no use of his right arm. Him singing the Copa Banana song was actually the first words he said in days. Lonnie takes no shorts.

My kid bought me what might be the greatest Father's Day gift ever. A wall mounted fake fish that sings that McDonald's Filet o Fish song. Who is the ad genius who put these into production? I'd like to shake his hand. I might be the only one since my wife said there was truckloads of these things at Blood, Bath & Beyond and the price had been reduced seven times from $40 to $6. I'm not sure how someone would not want this hanging in their home office (which will soon be my garage because I'm being relocated in August once I start raping my wife for babies again).

If you're in Portugal next week, and I assume you will be, meet me and the other 2 Chris Nieratkos in Porto for a Vice party where I'll do my stand up/slideshow routine. (London readers, don't bother. It's the same act I did last year. Sorry. I'm lazy.) I think there might be free beer. If not, and you fly over, I'll buy you a beer.

The family will be in Portugal for two weeks where I'll be doing in depth investigative journalistic research on the topic of Portugal's most famous export: porcelain penises. Look for it in an upcoming issue of Vice.

CHRIS NIERATKO

For more stupid go to Chrisnieratko.com or NJSkateshop.com