Welcome to Megan Barton-Hanson’s new VICE UK column, covering all things to do with sex, relationships and self-love during one of the strangest eras of the 21st century. Read the previous column here.Women and femmes don’t need any help in the bedroom. We’re all great at sex. The end!
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Just kidding… sort of. As I said last week while dishing out sex tips for straight men, when I was younger, sex felt much more performative. I would still enjoy myself, but I was also worried about whether I had rolls in a certain position, whether I was being too loud or too quiet, how my boobs looked when I was on my back – and that’s all stuff we shouldn’t care about. It really contributes to the orgasm gap. The first step towards having better sex – besides men getting their shit together – means unlearning a lot of what you’ve picked up from mainstream porn and the patriarchy, with all the boring power dynamics and screaming penetrative orgasms that entails. Do away with it and get used to fucking and sucking on your own terms.This is the main piece of advice I’d give to younger girls. It sounds obvious now, but I remember the first couple of times I had sex, I was so rigid and worried that the guy would think I was weird if I started rubbing my clit – but at the end of the day you're both there to enjoy yourselves, and loads of people can’t cum from penetration alone. It’s your body, and if that's going to maximise your pleasure you should go for it. A good partner won’t judge you, and you’ll both have a better experience as a result.I'm trying to open up the conversation about masturbation, because at a young age I had so much shame about it, and I think for young girls especially it’s still often seen as this secretive, dirty act. I think we’d go into sex being so much more confident and aware of our bodies if the topic of masturbation wasn't so frowned upon. Once you have a better understanding of what you like, you can start bringing that with you into the bedroom and having better sex. Everyone wins! Mutual masturbation is great, too. I’m a savage these days, but if you don't feel comfortable telling your partner to do things differently, or if they’re not quite picking up on the hints, don’t give up – watch each other get off instead. That turns it into more of a bonding experience, and it’s a good technique to really let your guard down in front of someone, plus it’s a massive turn on. It’s also a handy way to pick up tips on what the other person likes, because everyone likes different pressures and speeds, and it’s very rare to get that right straight away.
TOUCH YOURSELF DURING SEX
IN FACT, JUST TOUCH YOURSELF ALL THE TIME – AND YOUR PARTNER AS WELL!
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DON’T LOOK TO MAINSTREAM PORN FOR SEX TIPS
- – Spit always helps.
- – Don’t neglect the balls!
- – Get your hands involved. If someone’s got a huge dick that might be quite terrifying, but you don’t have to just use your mouth!
TURN PERFORMANCE PRESSURE INTO A BIT OF FUN
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If you’re not into giving head at all, that’s fine too. Some people really struggle with that and think there’s something wrong with them, but it’s perfectly normal. Some people don’t like getting head, either. Each to their own. Similarly, if using a strap-on doesn’t make you feel confident or sexy, then don’t feel pressured into taking on that role.In other life situations I'm not massively confident, but in the bedroom I'm doing the absolute most. I think years of bad sex have driven me to a place where, if the person’s not going to do it, I’m going to take matters into my own hands! If this sounds like you, or you’re feeling unsatisfied with your sex life, try initiating things yourself more often – especially with men. Some guys are just shy, even if they talk a big game or they’re really confident in front of their friends. If you know what you want, they’ll just shut up and listen most of the time. As soon as you start asserting yourself and saying, “Let’s do this position,” or, “You’re doing this,” they’re just like “OK!” Swapping the power dynamic around can really spice things up too. Even if they initiated things and are usually the more dominant one, it’s fit for you to take the lead.When I was with my first ever boyfriend I’d wake up with his boner stabbing in my back. When my mouth is like the desert and I’ve got crust in my eye, I want to be left alone, personally. But when you're young you just really want to please your boyfriend. You worry about him cheating on you or getting sex elsewhere. If I could go back in time I'd definitely be more authoritative and say: at least let me shower and brush my teeth before I come back and bang. So don’t feel pressured to do anything. If your partner is there pressing their boner into your back, tell them to piss off.
TRY INITIATING THINGS MORE OFTEN
DON’T FEEL PRESSURED INTO DOING ANYTHING
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