MR. MOTIVATOR SOLVES YOUR PROBLEMS

Stuck in a crippling rut of inertia? Want to change your pithy existence but feeling too drunk to take the first step? Fear not, because we've asked Mr. Motivator to come along and give you a slap in the face to rid you of your fecklessness. Soon you will be mocking your former associates drowning in the misery of mediocrity while you soar high in the rainbow-hued sky. A positive attitude does not necessitate patterned Spandex, but it could be beneficial. Mr. Motivator introduces himself: "I feel so chuffed that I'm honed and toned. When I walk past the mirror in my home, I always give myself a second look and go, 'Wow! Yeah!' You can't wait around for people to tell you how wonderful you are and how well you're doing, you need to tell yourself. I accept that The Motivator is liked by some people, and not by others, but I've never had anybody threaten to thump me. I think The Motivator crosses all color, age, sexual orientation, and creed boundaries. I'm here to revolutionize your attitude, to make you look at the flowers on that windowsill right next to you and realize they're fabulous. Maybe you wouldn't notice that, but I do, because I am The Motivator." Below are the problems we asked Mr. Motivator to solve, along with his responses for each one.

Dear Mr. Motivator,

I live in a big house and we've always shared things like milk, butter and toilet paper. Lately, though, I've had some issues with aesthetic differences in the selection of these products, and I'm unsure of how to voice these growing concerns without becoming passive-aggressive. A housemate recently bought some white, quilted TP for the downstairs bathroom when they clearly know that (1) a champagne hue is more becoming to the room's features and that (2) the quilting functions as a pattern, and that pattern clashes with the wallpaper.

The Motivator says:

Everyone is entitled to be different, to have their own opinions, likes and dislikes. Situations change around all of us, as do our preferences. Trying to get people to gel together is one of the most difficult things in the world, purely because we've all got different personalities and hormones running differently at different times, problems hitting everyone at different times. We know that committees don't work; we always need someone to lead. On that basis, I think you should try to create your own space so that you can maintain your independence. What about having a divided section in the fridge where you can put a plastic container big enough to hold everything you like, with your label on the front? Perhaps buy some toilet paper that sits in your own room to take to the bathroom when you're going? That way you're creating a demarcation line between you and everybody else, which allows you to be YOU.

Dear Mr. Motivator,

I am a 47-year-old homosexual pop star of Greek descent, with success both as part of a collective outfit and as a solo artist. I have long been battling with an addiction to marijuana, and despite managing to significantly reduce the amount I smoke, I have had numerous road accidents as a result. I was found K.O.'d over the steering wheel of my Mercedes in 2006, I rear-ended a truck while driving my Land Rover on the motorway last year, and most recently I crashed into a Snappy Snaps while driving back from Gay Pride. How can I change my life?

The Motivator says:

This is a difficult one, but at least you recognize that you have a problem. You've said, "Look, I've got a marijuana addiction. I know that my life isn't going straight." What we need to do is divorce ourselves from some of those things. We need to start setting a list of priorities: "What is it I want to achieve out of my life?" We need to do some goal setting, to have a real sit down and a think. Get a piece of paper in front of you and write down all the negatives in your life, all the positives, and where you'd like to get to. From there, make a list of ten things that will act as stepping stones to help you achieve what you want to get to. One of those things might be saying: "I've got to start slowly cutting down on the weed." Another may be deciding: "I've got to stop driving for a while." A third may be to say: "OK, to gain this goal I'm after, I've got to also start focusing a lot more on me, and what's important about me," which could mean taking up a hobby that should give you a distraction from all those things which are leading you down the wrong road. It's not going to be easy, but remember: OBSTACLES ARE WHAT YOU SEE WHEN YOU TAKE YOUR EYES OFF YOUR GOAL. The most important thing you need in your life is a goal, and you don't seem to have it. Remember, the first two letters of GOAL is GO!

Dear Mr. Motivator,

Jose and I have been friends for a while now, sharing a love of silent cinema and playing badminton together regularly. But lately Jose has began to more openly express his personal belief system and it has become a little awkward. Most Friday nights we'll go out for a few beers and play on the fruit machine, then round up the evening with some queer-bashing. I don't fully participate but I'm wary of violating social etiquette. How do I amicably resolve this conundrum?

The Motivator says:

Another difficult scenario. When you've got somebody in your life who you care about, you feel like you always want to support them and be there. But sometimes the best support is not actually to be there. There's nothing wrong with going out for a drink together, but afterward you know what he's going to get up to so you must go on home. But should you go further than that? Probably you should, because probably he needs a real shaking up. This is the point where the authorities need to be involved. You owe it to the people he attacks, to protect them, especially if you know that your best friend or your lover is out there breaking the law. I don't think you should ignore it and I don't think you should take part. I think you need to become as far removed from him as possible, I'm detecting some negative vibes.

Dear Mr. Motivator,

When I left home I was anxious about my mother being lonely. Unfortunately she dealt with it by joining the Church of Scientology. She has sold our family home and "donated" that money in a bid to advance her OT levels and gain access to the full story of the space opera. She keeps telling me that I have lost my true nature and must audit myself in order to regain a genuine expression of my non-material, cosmically sourced core. Seemingly Isaac Hayes (may he rest in peace) would have concurred. Should I heed my mother's advice?

The Motivator says:

As parents, the one thing we're supposed to do with our children is to provide them with the ammunition to go out there and make decisions themselves. We do that by giving them education, but naturally whilst they're at home we impart onto them our beliefs. When they leave our nest, they're a free spirit. At that stage they can say: "I believe in Christ," or "I don't believe in Christ." "I believe in Scientology," or "I don't believe in Scientology." What I think you should do is make a decision that suits you. If you feel there are some benefits for you personally to gain by getting involved, do it. There's no harm in trying it and then walking away from it. After all it's not a cult where you're going to be imprisoned. It's like someone telling you that a meal is very good for you: "Oh, that meal was fabulous last night." It means nothing. Go and try the meal, and then you'll know.

Dear Mr. Motivator,

I long thought my boss had a speech impediment, as he always said my name with a nonsensical "p" in the middle. Recently, though, I have ascertained he is merely mispronouncing it. I am a favored employee, and have accompanied him, no expense spared, to conferences in such cosmopolitan cities as Hull and Milton Keynes. However, this privilege has been undermined by being introduced as the wrong person. I'm not sure how to break the news to him without causing a rift that would threaten to damage my prospects of further promotion.

The Motivator says:

If he's mispronouncing your name, and it's important to you, I would just walk up to him one day and say, "Excuse me, sir…friend, there's one thing that you've always been doing that I'm really uncomfortable with. Can I tell you about it?" and he'll say, "Go on, tell me what it is," and then you'll say, "You haven't quite been pronouncing my name correctly." The tone in your voice and the way you say it is what's going to dictate how he takes it. He'll apologize and you'll say, "Lately I've been feeling I know you better, so I feel confident now to come and speak to you about this. I'm so glad you've taken it this way. Do you want to try repeating it after me? I realize it might be difficult for you." Particularly if you've got an Indian sounding name, it's very hard sometimes to get people to actually say it. A lot of Indian people are quite happy to have people just say the initials, but I think you should always use your name, you should never shorten it for the sake of making it easier for other people to say it, because that's who you are. So you pronounce it for him, tell him, "No, it wasn't quite right that time, say it again. You can do it!"

Dear Mr. Motivator

, I am not prone to morbid thinking, but of late I seem to have been beset with foreboding death omens. I was shaving the other day and my bathroom mirror shattered of its own accord. All the clocks in my house have stopped, and no matter how many times I reprogram the one on the microwave, come midnight every night it starts beeping and has to be reset again, which is a nuisance if anything. How do I evade my inevitable demise?

The Motivator says:

I think you should wake up, come out of your dream, make yourself a nice stiff cup of coffee, and go out and have a nice day. I mean, that kind of world can't be real…?

This is a self-portrait produced for us by Mr. Motivator. N.B. The Motivator had some issues accurately representing his "West-Indian nose," and his self-portrait was mutually acknowledged as resembling a woman with a beard. EMILY FOISTER