We Asked People Who Used to Make Homophobic Comments What Their Turning Point Was

It’s wild to look back at early 2000s media. Some of the most celebrated movies of the time are riddled with homophobic language and themes. Meanwhile, in schoolyards and worksites, words like “gay” and “fag” were thrown around like they were just normal parts of everyday vernacular.

Society as a whole has progressed a great deal in just a couple of decades, but there’s still a long road ahead to eradicate harmful behaviour and language.

To explore this further, we spoke to people who used to make homophobic comments about what made them change their ways. Hopefully, this helps people who might be knowingly or unknowingly making comments that are hurtful realise how much power their words really hold.

“I used to say things like ‘that's gay,’ ‘you're a homo,’ and all that awful stuff growing up. It's horrible to say, but it was just part of teen culture during the early to mid-2000s. It was in all of the movies, TV shows and was just generally the vernacular of the time.

Because it was just something we all said, no one ever really thought about the impact it had or even what we were really saying beyond simply meaning to say ‘that's dumb’ or ‘you're an idiot’. I can't speak for my peers, but that's all it was to me, there was never any animosity attached to the words, I was just too stupid to see beyond the fad.

Anyway, my turning point was my girlfriend when we first got together in 2009, and who I'm still with to this day. Every time I'd say it, she'd pull me up. It was as simple as her saying ‘you mean that's dumb, not gay’ or asking me ‘why is it gay?’. That's all it took for me to question the words I was saying. 

It wasn't an instant change by any means, this habit was deep-seated, so it took a little while to really pull myself out of it. I'm so glad that she did that to help me realise how stupid it all was because I still have friends who talk like that and it's so cringe to hear. I try my best to gently steer them in the right direction as well, but it's a work in progress.”

“I grew up really religious. I was all-in. Long story short, homophobia is just one of many things I’ve left with the church when I decided that being hateful for the rest of my life just isn't for me.”

“My younger brother came out as gay. I think that’s all I need to say. I was an idiot.”

“I’m guilty of saying things like ‘gay’ and ‘fag’. Making jokes that just wouldn’t fly today when I was back at school. But I’m not proud of that. I’m actually really embarrassed of the person I was – that kind of language is just one slice of the big pie of embarrassing I was. 

I’m glad I’ve grown, but I still cringe not only when I think of how I used to speak, but when I hear that kind of stuff said in public. Thankfully, it’s rare. Or at least, rarer than it was. I'm not sure of the exact moment I changed, I think it was gradual. Like all things really.”

“This is going to sound bad, but to be honest, the thing that made me change was when it became a ‘cancelable’ thing. That's what made me stop and be like, ‘hold on, are people really this upset by it?’ I know that’s dumb in hindsight, but I’m not really an online person. I’m just barely getting a hold of memes.”

“I was scrolling on Facebook one day years ago, saw a post from a guy I knew in high school. He was engaged to another guy. I had no idea the whole time I was in school just casually throwing around words like ‘oh that’s gay’ to describe things that we didn’t like or thought was embarrassing. I felt a sinking feeling. Did that bother him? I tried to remember but it’s hazy.

I considered messaging him at one point. Torn between whether to apologise for being so ignorant, or to just simply say congratulations. In the end, I did neither. That wasn't my turning point though. I just naturally grew out of it, using that language - just like society as a whole has.

But that moment – seeing that Facebook post – was the point where it really hit home. That’s when I fully began to comprehend how nonchalantly damaging you can be even if you don't mean it – and I never meant it. It was never said in a ‘I don't like gay people’ way. It’s just the way we spoke. I don’t think it's right, but I'm not going to pretend we were all hateful people.

The important thing is to grow and learn. I’ve done that, I hope this article helps others do that.”

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