NEW YORK - FALL FASHION IN THE HOOD

Sometimes I might pull together the perfect outfit, successfully swaddle my funky trunk butt/blimpy beer sac into a slim aerodynamic illusion of cuteness, only to be defeated by the reality of my stupid face. My big dumb head ruins all my fashion efforts like perching a drippy bag of sausage and marbles atop the old Xmas tree. Mysterious bumps and crusty pimps are ever-present, and sometimes scary black hairs will grow overnight. A single one of those fucks are as creepy as a spider pincer.

There is no cute outfit ever that will cure this! The battle is continual for me, but most of us do have at least a few big dumb face days where you wish your head was an unessential option that could only be used for emergencies. Luckily, I feel a fashion forecast approaching where we will all be hooded, masked, secret-faced beings soon enough. Until that welcome day when our affordable GAP hoods are made available, I turn to the world of bondage hoods for inspiration. The options are limitless!

You can go for straight-up Don't-talk-to-me, I-am-a-person-with-a-bag-on-my-head look

To mega sack

to agro sac

to oily, wet, mega-freak sack.

For brutal hate yo'self days this one is extra padded so you can bang your head freely against any hard surface and you won't pass out.

This one I call "elegant nostrils."

How about the Kool Moe Dee?

The motorcycle seat nose style

Do you feel this black labia?

Or are you red labia?

Maybe you are both: a black, red, labia sweet surprise, just unzip to reveal your startled grin.

What about animals? Are you a saucy white rabbit?

or menacing black?

Handsome canine?

or shy frightened puppy?

We all are a little bit "aloof pig," are we not?

Bad day but yearn to be near your loved ones?

What are you staring at, Dick Nose?

Aw! Pretty bow!

Chillaxx hun, have a Coolatta…

Your makeup looks pretty!

The eternal paradox?

Get it giiirl!

Kish meeee!

Snort your raisins!

Although nothing--and I mean nothing--can compete though with this totally modern, minimalist, sensory deprived hood. Your reality can be a all candy pink sex bicycles, Redi-Whip and naps in this happy bubble of cute black vinyl and hooks.

ADRIANE SCHRAMM