I Hate Immigrants So Much I Had to Emigrate

Last week, Labour leader Ed Miliband made a speech in which he asserted that worrying about immigration doesn't necessarily make you a bigot. Some people clearly are bigots, though. Some even hate immigrants so much that they can’t bear to be anywhere near them – so much so that they felt they had to emigrate, meaning that they themselves became immigrants to somebody, somewhere. But just because you’ve fled Broken Britain before it sinks under the sheer weight of benefit-scrounging, asylum-seeking scum, doesn’t mean you want to leave behind all that’s best about British culture. Which is why the Mail Online is so great! Thanks to the internet, you can waddle down to the nearest Iberian "English" pub in your Union Jack swimming shorts and smugly read about how Britain is going to hell in a gypsy wagon on the free Wi-Fi. Not only that – if being a few thousand miles away from them hasn’t mellowed you out, you can write about how much you still hate immigrants in the comment box. Neat, huh? This kind of thing goes on all the time, but Ed's speech got me thinking. So I checked out the contributions to the great immigration debate from the people who know most about the subject – ex-pat Brits who are still strangely pre-occupied with the overcrowding of an island they no longer inhabit.

Hit the nail on the head there, mate. Imagine what would happen to a country if it was filled with unskilled chancers from completely alien cultures. At what point in the voyages of the Australian prison ships did irony get thrown overboard? If you're great, great grandfather's still alive, I suggest you go ask him.

Good logic, Dave from China. Let’s all get out of over-crowded Britain and flee to a country so overpopulated that the government ritualistically cooks each family’s second child in a giant stew every Christmas. (That’s what the one-child policy is, right?)

I wonder how long Richard has lived in Torrevieja (AKA the "costa del Yorkshire")? I sure hope Spain doesn’t adopt this policy. I hate to think of Richard being denied urgently needed medical attention – the world needs free-thinkers like him.

I guess now you know how the Aborigines feel, "Sandgroper" (basically as gross as the insect you've inexplicably decided to name yourself after).

Yeah, it’s totally racist not to rigorously define everybody by things like skin colour. Maybe if we get a better idea of everybody’s ethnic origin, we could put the ethnicities we don’t like in camps just to keep tabs on them. Why has nobody ever thought of that before?

Follow Simon on Twitter: @simonchilds13