Have a Shitty Weekend!

Photo by Jake Lewis

As the sun grows brighter and punctures the gloom, as we segue into spring after a forgivably mild winter, it would perhaps be good to reflect on this first quarter of our year. Has it gotten off to the start you expected? Have you made some moves, fingered a couple of pies, raced off the starting line towards a life you wish to be yours?

Course you haven’t, you’re useless. You’re a useless fucking pig and you live for the 48 hours of solace you get to drown your mediocrity in every week. Your ultimately meaningless life, in which you move around this once-beautiful planet farting and shitting into its core, will one day expire in a flash and all that will be left is a jar of smelly ashes on the mantelpiece that will one day be knocked over by a burglar or eaten by a cat.

Want to give something up for lent? Hows about you stop being a cunt? Have a shitty weekend; you make me sick.

Evening of Clairvoyance with Medium Colin West
Fri 7 Mar, 8PM. Two Worlds Spiritual Centre, Brentwood Cricket Club, Essex. £3.

If you’re in the Essex area and have decided against giving yourself an Apple Sourz enema, you can have yourself a real good time by nipping into medium Colin West’s Evening Of Clairvoyance. Watch in amazement as desperate people cling on to the hope that their loved ones may still exist on some plane or other while some joker goes, "Yep, they’re here now… And they love you, very much." Also on offer is "healing" (not real healing, with bandages and morphine – fake chakra placebo healing that'll only make you feel better if you have a weak and pliable mind) and private readings, which, if they’re anything like the "private dance" I had down the bap bar the other night, might not be so bad. Maybe it's the same thing but with more tarot cards and wailing mothers who’ve lost their sons to boy racing? Who the fuck is Colin West, anyway? You wouldn’t even find this guy on late-night TV fielding calls from teenagers who just want to recite the Fresh Prince Of Bel Air theme in a long and protracted way.

Not worth your time, people of Brentwood. Spend your £3 on paracetamols. The sooner you cop it, the sooner Colin will be trying to channel your spirit, so you don’t even have to *go* to really *be there*, you know what I mean?

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Every night called "Get Lucky"
Various, Everywhere. £too much

Chances are if you live in a metropolitan city in the UK, someone, somewhere is doing a "Get Lucky" night. It’s called "Get Lucky" – but why? What does the phrase "Get Lucky" represent in the context of a club night? It says, "We want a club night, but don’t really know what it is or what should go on, so we’re going to call it ‘Get Lucky’. People will come because of that song." It’s the most meaningless, broad, innocuous name for any event that requires ID to enter. It implies nothing of what goes on inside other than a YouTube DJ will play songs that everyone has already heard

168,354,835 (857,324, 27,920) times.

Tough luck, fuckos – another summer's rolling its way round and soon all the shitmunchers will have another song to hum along to.

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The Playground Presents: Chillwave
Sat 5 Apr, 10PM - 6AM. Shapes Hackney Warehouse. £10 advance.

Get in your DeLorean and take it straight down the fucking dealership mate, because you’ll have no need for it after The Playground Presents: Chillwave. That’s right, on Saturday the 5th March, in Hackney’s spacious Shapes Warehouse, you can travel back to 2008 and experience one of the most desolate genres in the history of music. Seriously, didn’t chillwave have like, three big artists? Who gives a fuck anyway, because your Netflix account has given you Portlandia, which has in turn reminded you that Washed Out was a thing once, then you looked him up on Spotify and found out he is *still making music*, so now you’re back on the chillwave vibe. Why? Because you’re a brainless dipshit coasting from memory to memory because you're scared of facing up to your own problems. The only "chill wave" you should be experiencing is the cold foam of the sea whisking you under in the night. Water way to go.

Actually, this is in April, so you might wanna hold on to that DeLorean. Bon voyage, dildos.

@joe_bish