All the Shit That's About To Go Down During Scorpio Season

Welcome to All the Shit, a monthly column in which I prepare you for the season ahead by consulting the planets or whatever. Ignore your parents. Ignore your therapist. This is the only advice you’ll need from now on.

Forgive me for sounding like your housemate from uni who changed their name to "River" and started wearing paisley harem pants despite never leaving Wolverhampton, but don't you think the cyclical nature of existence is incredible? The world spins and spins and spins, the tides move in and out, the leaves wither and crinkle on the trees so that new ones can form, and so on. Everything happens in a constant circle. Nothing remains the same, ever.

The reason I'm saying this is because astrological law works in much the same way. The seasons move from earth to air, from fire to water, and our moods and relationships change with them, before the cycle begins again. One moment we're deep into our overdrafts because of all the nights out and Tinder dates and birthday dinners. The next, we’re alone in bed at 9PM again, anxiously moving things in and out our ASOS basket.

All of which is to say: the move from Libra to Scorpio season is a particularly unusual one because it's such a change of scenery. Libra season is charming and easy-going and sociable and cute. Scorpio season is none of those things. It is literally named after a Scorpion – an eight-legged carnivorous arthropod who has a deadly weapon attached to its body. That's not to say Scorpio season is evil – it's far more complex than that.

Here is everything you can expect from the next few weeks:

Five years ago, Instagram was where you posted nice pictures of your cat or your homemade risotto with a sepia filter and a #yum hashtag to your 100 followers of friends and family. Now, Instagram is where you post a filterless, zoomed-in crying selfie to 3,000 strangers. "THIS IS THE REAL FACE OF MENTAL HEALTH," you write in the caption. "IT'S TIME TO TALK."

Oversharing is normal because we're all bored and depressed and the world is going to end in 12 years. During Scorpio season, though, don’t be surprised if you find yourself holding back more than usual. Scorpios are known for their secrecy and suspense – preferring to keep their feelings and motives hidden beneath a veil of mystery – so oversharing really isn't the mood. You can save all those posts as drafts and unleash them during Sagittarius season.

Listen, I don’t know anything about your sex life. Maybe you like being gagged and pissed on by an older woman dressed as your mother. Maybe you prefer missionary on Wednesdays at 8PM, leaving just enough time to order a Chinese before The Apprentice. Either is fine. But Scorpio season is known as the kinkiest season of them all, so if you have any undiscovered preferences buried in there (which we all do) don't be surprised if they rise to the surface over the next few weeks. This is because there is nothing skin-deep about Scorpios. They're much more in tune with all the freakiness that lies beneath. Now is the time to embrace it.

We've all been there. I'll just have a quick look at the IG of that person I used to date, you think. Wait, who's that girl in their latest photo? You click on their tag. Wait, is that her group of friends? You click on the hottest one. Oh look, they're a tattooist. You scroll through their pics. Who's that girl with the fringe? Click. And before you know it, you've mentally infiltrated an entire group of people; you know their faces, their families, their families' cats, their families' cats' ailments. I hope my ex's new girlfriend's brother's flatmate's tabby recovers from acute laryngitis, you find yourself thinking one cold night. The vet bills must be extortionate.

This is all classic Scorpio behaviour. They're fucking obsessive. Which is great if you want to spend the next few weeks honing in on one activity and getting really good at it, but not so great if you're not down for being completely deranged.

Last Scorpio season I received not one, not two, but three crying selfies. And when I say "crying selfies" I mean what that sounds like: people sent me photographs of themselves crying, because that's a thing now. My point being, Scorpio season often comes with some degree of conflict and/or unexpected drama. This is because it's the time of year in which our innermost passions and feelings are ignited. Sometimes that means shagging. Sometimes that means fighting. Usually it means both???

The best thing about Scorpio season, imo, is that it is not only the sign of sex and death, but also the sign of transformation. A Scorpio will cut any bitch out that no longer serves them. Basically, this is the season of shedding skins and starting afresh and embracing the power that lies beneath. I know that all sounds very abstract, but you'll know what I mean over the next few weeks.

Truly, I wish you good luck. Lol.

@daisythejones