Phil’z Coffee, Photo: Sandy Kim

AWAKE

The West Coast takes coffee a little more seriously than other places (no Dunkin’ Donuts out here). So when you come to town, so should you.

HAYES VALLEY

Blue Bottle -

Blue Bottle pledges that the beans you’re getting have been roasted within 48 hours of your purchase, and you can taste it. The flavor is off the hook and you can feel it working as your jaw starts to grind away after your third sip. They have a café in Mint Plaza and a little kiosk in an alley in Hayes Valley. It’s pretentious as can be, but the flavor and the buzz make it tolerable.

315 Linden St.

or

66 Mint St

.

THE MISSION

Four Barrel -

Four Barrel is an in-house-roasting, no-Wi-Fi-having coffee house managed and operated by people who know more about coffee than you know about anything. 3

75 Valencia St.

Phil’z

- There’s lots of blends and flavoring in the coffee here. If you’re fiending for something sweet like chocolate or hazelnut, this spot’s for you.

3101 24th St.

SoMa Cento -

Cento dispenses Blue Bottle beans with a single twist. They have an awesome drink there, aptly called a

cento

, which is 100 ml of espresso and milk. It hits the spot. There’s a loading dock to enjoy your coffee on, and the weather is usually pretty sunny in this area.

360 Ritch St.

Emmy’s Spaghetti Shack, Photo: Meghan Roberts

FULL

Eat before you drink, right? Well, here’s a list of spots to get your grub on that should keep enough fajoles in your pocket to get drunk after. If you have a shit-ton of money, there is amazing dining to be had, but you probably don’t, so stick to this list. If you’re broke, you’ll eat a ridiculous amount of tacos and burritos.

BERNAL HEIGHTS

Emmy’s Spaghetti Shack -

This place is cheap, comfy, and has a great staff, and stiff drinks are served most nights by a bartender with a nice rack. Emmy’s specialty is, you guessed it, spaghetti and meatballs! Along with an impressive list of reasonably priced cocktails, you can order a 40 with your meal. But proceed with caution, because this may result in your food and your 40 later being barfed onto the filthy Upper Mission streets. The spaghetti and balls is the move here, but if you feel like splurging, they’ve got a nice array of entrees and appetizers to get you through the night.

18 Virginia Ave.

THE CASTRO

Ike’s Place -

Call ahead. It’s the best advice one can give you for this newly minted San Francisco lunch institution. Vegetarian or carnivore, there’s a sandwich for you. The staff is friendly and the selection is way better than most other boring delicatessens. The wait can be long so make sure that if you’re staying, you have at least half an hour on your hands.

3506 16th St.

Sparky’s -

Sparky’s is a late-night dining spot, even though they’re open 24/7. Drunken people from Lower Haight, the Mission, and the Castro converge here for greasy burgers and vegan scrambles. The line outside can look daunting, but the wait is just long enough to roll and smoke a joint to work up that appetite.

242 Church St.

HAYES VALLEY

Sushi Zone - The wait blows, but the fish is super-fresh. They have only one sushi chef, so just because you sit down, don’t think your rolls are coming out promptly. The spicy hamachi is a journey.

1815 Market St.

THE MISSION

Arinell -

Due to an influx of neurotic, bagel-loving East Coast Jews and snooty know-it-all Bergen County girls complaining about their pizza crusts in SF, somebody finally got the picture. Arinell’s sells the closest slice you’re going to get to your precious New York pizza. The guys who work here are very mellow and have a penchant for Thin Lizzy and the Fucking Champs.

509 Valencia St.

Arinell Pizza, Photo: Sandy Kim

Blue Plate -

Blue Plate always maintains a level of quality that is comforting. It’s just a notch above cheap, but worth every bite. Try the sardines and then the meatloaf. You’ll die happy.

3218 Mission St.

El Zocalo -

Despite the Latin-derived name, El Zocalo is not Mexican. It’s El Salvadoran. What’s the difference, you ask? Instead of tacos, burritos, and enchiladas they serve

pupusas

, which are super-thick and delicious corn and flour breads filled with everything from rice and chicken to beans and cheese to spinach and flowers. And the best part is, they’re open very late. In fact, we only recommend eating

pupusas

when extremely intoxicated. That’s the only way we’ve ever eaten them.

3230 Mission St.

La Taqueria -

Also called “whiteboy tacos” due to the higher price tag, but you can see where your money is going. Every morning, the owner of this joint comes in and inspects the avocados. Getting two carnitas tacos with everything and a Tecate should do you just right.

2889 Mission St.

Pakwan -

The novelty of allowing brown-bag beer and wine into Indian restaurants has faded, but the locale of this Mission jewel is undeniable. Be wary of Fernet shots afterward, as they may result in a quick trip home for a change and a bath.

3182 16th St.

Puerto Alegre -

Alegre is a sit-down restaurant, the line’s a bit daunting most of the time, and reservations need to be made in advance. The food is great, and the pitchers of margaritas are cheap and kick-ass. It’s definitely a good place to start the night before a heavy night of boozing. If you can’t make a reservation, then put your name on the list and get a beer at any of the million bars within spitting distance.

546 Valencia St

.

St. Francis Fountain -

This San Francisco landmark is a weekend destination for all SF’s hungover dirtbags. Staffed by equally dirtbaggy waiters, this place has solid diner fare at an affordable price. The interior is essentially the same as it was on its opening in 1918. Instead of a guy in a paper hat making you a vanilla Coke, though, you’ll find a tatted-up redhead with a firm backside. Good times.

2801 24th St.

Taqueria Cancun -

This is more a burrito place than anything. You can get really good veggie burritos that are grilled in pork fat on a griddle. The service is super-quick, too, so don’t feel discouraged by a long line. They’re also open till 3 AM, which makes for great drunk eating. The spot’s a little dingy, but the decor is inviting nonetheless.

2288 Mission St.

RICHMOND DISTRICT

Bill’s Place -

The search for the perfect burger can be a difficult one in San Francisco, but if you have the time to trek out there, Bill’s Place is official. Boasting a plethora of burgers to excite your palate, Bill’s also has awesome milkshakes, and unlike a lot of places, they leave you the stainless-steel mixer so you can refill that shit.

2315 Clement St.

SUNSET

San Tung -

San Tung is the home of the world-famous spicy-dry fried chicken wings. The line is a bitch but fully worth the wait. One order comes with enough wings to feed three people, easy. If meat isn’t your thing, no worries. The whole menu is delicious.

1031 Irving St.

WESTERN ADDITION

Eddie’s Cafe -

If you’re one of those people whose only cure for a nasty hangover is grease and shitty coffee, then look no further. Eddie’s Korean staff is friendly, the line is never that long, the food is always cheap, and your postmeal shit will be divine.

800 Divisadero St.

The Knockout, Photo: Meghan Roberts

DRUNK

Now that your belly is filled with cheap, delicious food, it’s time to complicate everything with an assortment of alcoholic beverages. Here’s a list of the must-see spots.

BERNAL HEIGHTS-OUTER MISSION

The Knockout -

The Knockout is always a great time. They serve Tecate tallboys for $5, have great dance parties, and every Thursday at eight is bingo night. Debaser is a Saturdaynight 90s-rock party where the DJ is playing songs that you wish you didn’t know all the words to. Booty Bassment is booty rap banging off the walls with a once-a-year booty-shaking contest. On Sundays, check out DJ Chardonnay, spinning mom rock all night.

3223 Mission St.

Molotov's, Photo: Meghan Roberts

CHINATOWN

Li Po -

Beneath the shiny gold uniforms and the nice smiles you get from the staff, there is an uneasy feeling that some hectic shit’s about to go down inside this Chinatown bar. Every time we go it feels like the Tongs and the Triads are about to shoot up the spot. Try the Ng Ka Py, which is supposed to be Chinese firewater but tastes like old apples. The jukebox here is hilarious. It’s like selection roulette.

916 Grant Ave

.

DOWNTOWN

The House of Shields -

The House of Shields is a beautiful wooden cauldron of liquor downtown. The crowd is mostly bike messengers and a small minority of professionals. It’s fun to go here and make the suits feel shitty about their nine-to-five existence. Tons of taps and a full bar.

39 New Montgomery St.

DUBOCE PARK—THE CASTRO

Amber -

For those of you coming from prehistoric cities that still allow patrons to smoke in bars, this place will be your haven in the dark. A good spot to start the night before you descend on the city, Amber is located in the center between the Castro, Lower Haight, and the Mission.

718 14th St.

INNER RICHMOND

540 Club -

This spot is classic. There’s an outdoor patio right in front that forces you to interact with other people, even if they’re snaggletoothed 60-year-old New Zealanders. Great beer selection, fantastic bartenders, fun movie nights, cheap booze, and every year around Christmastime they have an ornament-making party and they give you all the supplies! Killer!

540 Clement St.

JAPANTOWN

Dimples -

Dimples is in Japantown and has a vague yakuza back-alley feel to it. The cute Korean girls waiting for you to buy them a drink are either dressing for the bar or pros, the lighting is super-moody, and the service can be a little shady. Either way, it’s bound to lead to a night of randomness. Be wary of missing limbs on the barroom floor.

1700 Post St.

LOWER HAIGHT

Molotov's -

There’s something so comforting about bars that never change. This is that bar. Every night of the week it’s the same scene and the same faces, with heavy-duty shots, stiff pours on mixed drinks, a pool table, and PBR in a bottle or on tap. It’s open every day of the year. You’re set.

582 Haight St.

Toronado -

The Toronado is all beer, all the time. It has about 60 to 100 beers ready to drink. No pitchers here, but probably the greatest availability of Belgian beers and microbrews in this or any city. There’s a crotchety old bartender who limps from each side of the bar and sometimes wears a t-shirt that reads “I’m who you have to blow to get a drink around here.”

547 Haight St.

THE MISSION

Delirium -

We’re obligated to mention Delirium because of the extensive amount of time most people spend there. There’s dancing in the back, a pool table, a small arcade, bar-level tables, cheap beer and booze, and a filthy bathroom to do coke in. You won’t be the first or the last.

3139 16th St.

The Homestead -

Wednesdays are the best night to hit up this bar. Then, for a measly $5, you can get a shot of Fernet and an Olympia. If you don’t know what Fernet is, this is a great place to find out.

2301 Folsom St.

Uptown -

This used to be a really seedy dive bar and it still kind of is, but the crowd has gotten ridiculously stylish. Pool table, disease-ridden couches, a few booths, and a great jukebox make this a good place to get shitty for extended periods.

200 Capp St.

Zeitgeist, Photo: Sandy Kim

Zeitgeist -

It’s easily one of the greatest bars in the world and has the grumpiest staff in SF. Nestled close to the end of Valencia Street, its doors always seem open (they aren’t). On a warm day, you better get there early because half the city’s thinking the same thing you are. The outdoor seating holds a solid 200 people, and if the sun’s out, every seat in the house will be taken. There are about 40 taps, a bunch of different bottles, and the Bloody Marys are the darkest, heaviest, and most evil concoctions on earth. Zeitgeist also has great BBQ. If that’s not your thing, just wait around long enough and the Tamale Lady will come around with something to fill you up.

199 Valencia St.

THE TENDERLOIN-POLK GULCH

The Hemlock Tavern -

The heartbeat of Polk Gulch/Tenderloin, Hemlock is a classic half dive/half venue. There’s even an indoor smoking room. Later, if a drunken patron throws a cast-iron post at you that he intended to hit the bouncer with, don’t worry, you’ll get to drink for free the rest of the night! And if by chance you fuck some girl in an alley later, well, it’s all in a night’s work.

1131 Polk St.

Whiskey Thieves -

This bar has the look of a dive but maintains an air of sophistication because of its array of bourbon, scotch, and assorted browns. If you remember walking out of here, you’ve done something wrong.

839 Geary St.

Waziema, Photo: Meghan Roberts

WESTERN ADDITION

Waziema -

Waziema is actually an Ethiopian restaurant that just happens to have great cheap drinks and a very cool crowd. The pool table upstairs is fun, and the old Ethiopian lady who bartends pours stiffer cocktails than your dad did after a long day at the office.

543 Divisadero St.

A FEW MORE DIVES

Not to say all these places are same, let’s just say that they’re similar. Pool tables, jukeboxes, cheap, strong drinks, that strange odor… Here’s a list of must-see dives: Pop’s (

2800 24th St.

), The Phone Booth (

1398 S. Van Ness Ave.

), The Attic (

3336 24th St.

), The 500 Club (

500 Guerrero St.

), Doc’s Clock (

2575 Mission St.

), Mission Bar (

2695 Mission St.

), A Summer Place (

801 Bush St.

), and The Gold Cane (

1569 Haight St.

).