This Guy Really Hates Billie JD Porter

If you're a teenage boy who can't masturbate to internet porn because your PC is in the dining room and your parents are still awake, then you've probably seen our buddy Billie JD Porter presenting a show called The Joy of Teen Sex on late night Channel 4.

Now this is probably going to be really upsetting to a lot of you, but Billie isn't exactly enthusiastic while doing things like watching girls stick diamantes to their vaginas. Lucky for you, there's a place you can meet other, similarly angry people:

The "Billie J D Porter - The World's Most Uninspiring 'Journalist'" Facebook group! Which, despite the fact that journalists aren't really meant to inspire, has almost a thousand members!

I spoke to the creator of the group, who we'll have to call "M" because he wants to remain anonymous.

Oh, and because I was doing this interview over MSN Messenger (which, shockingly, still exists), I was able to see what M was listening to. It was "Love Takes Time" by Mariah Carey. I listened to it as well to set the mood. So if you'd like to be in a similar aural place to me and him, click here and let Mariah's high Cs (which she is contractually obliged to include in every song) transport you to another world.

VICE: Tell me a bit about yourself.
M: I'm 23, I study at LCC, I'm northern, I'm a fag, I like Mariah Carey and I aspire to be a television presenter.

Do you remember the first time you encountered Billie?
The Joy of Teen Sex.

Which episode?
The first. You know, it's funny. I stopped watching for a while, but my dislike for Billie made me catch up on 4OD just so I could hate on her.

What is it about Billie that inspires such rage in you?
She comes across as very judgmental. She portrays this image of a liberal 'cool indie' girl but throughout the series she sat there judging everyone she interviewed. And her fake "edgy and cool" monotone voice. I just don't think she was suitable for that show. And I hate her smug "I'm so London" face. Although I must add, I quite like her hair.

Do you think it's a little hypocritical to make a mean Facebook group about someone because you think they're judgmental?
Yes, probably. But then I'm not a journalist on a TV show. I'm just a geek who made a Facebook group.

So you'd like to be a presenter? Do you think that, perhaps part of the reason that you dislike Billie so much is that you're a bit jealous of her?
Not at all. I think she's done really well to get to where she is, and it's the complete opposite of what I want to do.

What kind of show do you think would be more suited to Billie's talents?
Some kind of late night indie-music show. Where she interviews unknown bands.

Billie does love late nights and indie bands. I could totally see that. One of your FB group's users said:

And then a few days later said:

Why do you think that guy thinks of Craig David and Bo' Selecta so much when he sees Billie?
Oh gosh. I honestly could not say. Perhaps he knows something we don't?

If Billie was a character on Bo' Selecta, what do you think her catchphrase would be?
MEHHHHH! FUCK OFF!

My friend was working in a shop, and she didn't feel well so she decided to go home. As she was leaving she started to get really dizzy and when she stepped outside in to the bright sunlight, she fainted. Right at that moment, a white limo pulled up and Craig David stepped out and caught her. He was dressed all in white with a CD around his neck that said "CD" on it in diamonds.
Is that true?

Yes. How do you think Billie would have reacted in that situation?
She would've got back in the limo and reversed over her.

I meant if Billie was caught by Craig David.
She'd probably spit in his face and then crawl away slowly back in to whichever hole she came out of.

One time, Billie stayed over at my house. And when she got up in the morning, she used my dry shampoo. Like, all of it. I didn't care that much, because I don't use dry shampoo (it was a free sample) but she had no way of knowing that. How does that make you feel?
For this, I give her kudos.

Even though she had no way of knowing that I would need to use it? Don't you think that's kind of cold?
She had more use for it than you. She has long hair. You didn't need it. Longest hair gets top priority. To be fair, dry shampoo is such a Billie JD Shower. I can just imagine her, covering her hair, giving it a whip, mehing in to the mirror and then going about her daily business.

What if it had been my insulin? And she'd used the last of that?
Well then I'd have taken issue. I mean that's a life and death situation. That would make her an attempted murderer, and she should go to prison.

Isn't that just the kind of shit you can imagine her pulling though?
I didn't like her in The Joy of Teen Sex, but I'm sure she's not a murderer.

What if I got in to an argument with someone over my greasy hair and they murdered me. Should she go to prison then?
No. You should have had more dry shampoo.

Who do you think would win a fight, you or Billie?
Probably Billie. I'm a lover not a fighter. I'd just hug her.

What if you HAD to? It's the future and the internet has taken over the world. Internet feuds are being fought to the death in public arenas: The winners get to join the master race. Your life literally depends on it.
I think she'd probably still win.

Oh. Well thanks for being perfectly reasonable and not saying anything that mean about Billie. Jerk.

JAMIE LEE CURTIS TAETE