I Asked Strangers What They Do When No Ones Watching

This article originally appeared on VICE Belgium.

Without realising, we almost always hold back – even with the people we’re closest to. Once we’re free and unwatched, we do some really weird stuff. So, what exactly do you do behind closed doors then? And more importantly, why? 

I asked my Instagram followers this very question to find out their secrets: Some chose not to disclose their surname out of shame for their, um, unique confessions.

VICE: Do you live alone?
Kiki: Yes, I live alone in a studio apartment and I love it – I don’t get along well with roommates. Sometimes I feel like I’m going a bit crazy, though.

What do you mean exactly?
I often comment on what’s going on around me or things that friends have told me, like I’m in a reality show diary room. It could be about an inappropriate comment my boss said, or when a friend is making the same mistake for the thousandth time.

I do this a few times a day: I imagine myself sitting in front of a camera and adding my two cents. Sometimes I even make mean jokes – the kind of things that you don’t dare say to people’s faces, but it feels good to say them out loud.

Don’t you feel you’re just dwelling on what bothers you?
I never really thought about it that way, but yes. It might be a good idea to let things go a bit more, or to confront people when really necessary, but I really hate doing that. Arguments mostly aren’t worth it, I’d rather just comment on stuff in my own little corner.

VICE: What do you do when you’re alone?
Robbert: I take out my Barbies, their clothes and accessories, and play with them for hours.

Where does this hobby come from?
I think it’s mostly nostalgic. I started collecting Barbie dolls when I was little – it’s always been a part of my life. I live with my partner and we often work together, so when I’m home alone I have a private conversation with my Barbies. I just love creating utopian places that are completely exaggerated.

So it’s kind of a creative outlet?
Yes, sometimes I even design and create their clothes. My partner does drag and together we work on costumes for their drag persona Veronika Deneuve: Basically, my Barbie dolls represent a form of mini drag. I could actually use the leftover fabrics from Veronika’s outfits to make miniature matching fits – how cool would that be?

VICE: What do you do when you’re home alone?
Jon: I don’t really know what to do with myself, I usually just roll a joint. Sometimes, when I’m really high, I think of a theme and start debating with myself out loud.

You build up an entire argument, only to tear it down after?
Exactly.

That’s an easy way of making sure you win every time.
For sure, but it also helps me to think about important topics more extensively. It pushes me to explore different points of view and see whether they’re valid.

What topic left the biggest impression on you?
One of the first times I did this, I chose to debate the pros and cons of e-scooters. I sometimes discuss more serious subjects too, like cultural appropriation or the universal basic income.

That sounds intense. Have you ever been caught in the middle of a heated debate?
Once, yes. I share a house with my sister, but she works a lot and often spends the night at her partner’s. I thought I was home alone one night, but she was sleeping in her bedroom. She suddenly appeared while I was in the middle of an argument with myself and stood at the door without saying anything – just staring. Then she asked me to speak more quietly and went back to bed.

VICE: Are you home alone often?
Nathalie: Not usually, but my boyfriend is travelling right now and I’m studying, so I’m by myself for a couple of weeks. My dog Rockie is here, though, so I’m not totally alone. 

Good company?
For sure, I talk to him all the time – that's a pretty normal thing for pet owners, I think? I’ve recently started singing songs for him, too, songs I compose myself. 

“His name is Rockie, he eats my flip flops, he’s a winkie tinkie blinkie stinkie…”

I sing to him to either entertain him or reward him: When we go for a walk and he doesn’t bark at people, I’ll sing him a song for being such a good boy.

Does Rockie appreciate your efforts?
It’s hard to say, I once read that dogs like it when you talk to them. He’s currently helping me with my studies, too: I sometimes repeat my lessons out loud to him, very practical, but mainly I do it for myself. If it weren’t for our talks and songs, I probably wouldn’t say a word.

VICE: What do you do when you’re home alone all day?
Aaron:  I walk around the house naked.

Do you have a roommate?
Yes, I’m currently renting out a room in my apartment to a girl I don’t know that well.

And whenever she’s out, you take your clothes off?
The second I’m alone, yes. Then it’s just business as usual: I clean, wash dishes, do laundry. Honestly, I really like being naked,ts the ultimate sense of freedom.

Fair point. How did this all start?
Well, apparently I've been doing this since I was a kid. If you go through my childhood photos at my parents’, I’m naked in a lot of them.

What do you like about it so much?
It’s comfortable. I tend to get hot very quickly, so taking off a few layers usually helps. I’m also often just in my underwear at my friends’ places.

VICE: What do you mean exactly?
Uwi: I have a super power for messing up my whole apartment in no time. My partner is more of a neat freak, but I prefer to live in organised chaos. We recently moved in together, so we had to make some compromises: When he’s here, I pay more attention.

So when the cat’s away, the mice will play?
Yes, that’s about it. I don’t consciously leave a mess, but I think my brain automatically switches back to my old procrastination habits – it can get out of hand pretty quickly.

Imagine your partner coming home earlier than expected…
That’s actually already happened and it wasn’t pretty. I just said something along the lines of, “Oh, oops, I was just about to start cleaning”.