Republicantics - Nasty, Nasty Boys!

Wowza, what a weekza! For an out-and-proud GOP fangirl like me, the past several days have been real nail-biters (and that is not just because I am prone to biting my own nails as well as those of my cat, Lee Catwater). Who will be the nominee? Now that the nation's Huntsmania has officially been cured by a heavy dose of Quitacilin ™, we're down to five geniuses in this race. As I emphasize whenever I have conversations with a reflective surface in my home, I love each of these Republican presidential candidates equally. And I’m as committed to that stance as I am to my husband, Hugh Jackman (Haha! I am of course kidding! Hugh Jackman is married to some Australian lady. I am alone.)

We've passed through New Hampshire (congrats, Mittzi Gain-er!) and are on to a vacation in the warm, friendly state of South Carolina, where many citizens make all of their decisions about who is "in" and who is "out" based on an ancient, violent desert fairy tale. In this lovely place, which has a tourism industry based on nostalgia for a folksy time when humans kept other humans as labor-pets, the best and brightest men in our nation will go head-to-head in a contest to pick the King of the Palmetto Prom. Haha, J/K, I am full of it with that one! For it is not some empty, soulless pageant in which a small group conspires to anoint one wealthy, handsome, white alpha male from a group of catty contenders—it is a Republican state primary.

Now, some of you have written me to ask how I can be so resolute in my determination to love all the Republican candidates without picking a favorite. My question to you people is, how could I not love every single one just as much as the the next? Does a mother not love her children equally? (No, really, I'm asking—does she or doesn't she? I'm just doing some research in case a man ever decides to take me as his wife.) And now is the time when the RNC most desperately needs my blind, all-encompassing devotion. After all, these five strapping young boys have taken to pecking at each other like the caged mutant chicken-esque creatures at a KFC supply "farm"!

Why, on Monday, peach jelly-producing professional fetus fetishist Ricky Santorum sent me and his other supporters an email that called Mittelschmerz Romney "bland and boring"! Further, Rick asked, "If we don't love our candidate, how can we expect Democrats and Independents to?" Clearly, Rick is just making a somewhat pointed joke here, because everyone I talk to (myself, Lee Catwater) agrees that Mitt Romney is a zazzy dude full of vim and vigor—just like Rick Santorum, Newt Gingrich, and the inimitable Rick Perry. And don't get me started on how it pained my soul to watch Newt's anti-Mitt documentary, which was like a snuff film combined with crush porn combined with an episode of Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom. This must've been exactly what it felt like to be a mother with boys fighting on opposite sides during the Civil War.

I just hope all my favorite gents can settle their differences soon and agree among themselves who ought to be the Republican nominee for president. I hate it when people I love fight, especially when it's over something as small and petty as who gets to lead the United States of America. Save your fightin' words for the golf course, boys! (Haha, J/K, these guys are all too polite and sophisticated to stoop to uncouth language during the ultimate gentleman's game!)

Well, Lee Catwater is meowing for his dinner, which I will, as usual, take out of a can and mold into the shape of a heart on his special elephant-bedecked, red food bowl. My scrappin' boys have a few more days to hash out their differences 'til it's go time in South Carolina. And since no eventual Republican nominee has ever not won the state, there's a pretty good chance the fella who takes SC will take the RNC and, eventually, the general election. So what I think is, they'd better kiss (not in that way, ewww, haha! Unless they want to record it for me and me alone) and make up real quick in order to have enough time to focus on beating the tight liberal skinny jeans off the worst human being in the history of human beings, der Fuhrer Barack Hussein Obama.

More on that jackhole next week.

Previously - These Guys Are Real Jokers!

@SaraJBenincasa